Chris Does America

On this, the 231st anniversary of our nation's birth (translation: beat that British ass), I feel it necessary to comment on my most recent almost-purely-American experiences..

Nothing seems like a more appropriate way to celebrate America than a GODDAMNED TELEVISED EATING CONTEST. Yes, today the annual Coney Island hotdog eating contest is being televised (by ESPN). Why?!? Who the fuck is watching this (besides me b/c, let's face it, it's comewhat interesting)? And does anyone find it funny that a Japanese dude always wins this thing? America has the most gluttonous eaters on the planet. We should win this competition, particularly because Kobayashi is injured this year (arthritic jaw). Incidentally, someome just likened Kobayashi's comeback efforts today to Willis Reed's (!!) comeback during the '75 NBA finals. And how low on the media totem pole do you have to be to draw the hotdog eating contest assignment? So instead of spending the 4th with your family (or mistress - hey, I'm just being realistic), you end up having to interview people about cliche sports shit: passion for the "sport", mental toughness, competitive advantage - as it relates to eating a frank.

Second, to kick off my 4th, last night I went to a casino...the trashiest casino I've ever been..and I loved it..

I'll explain...

Ordinarily (i.e. at a casino where fewer than 60% of the patrons are gambling their rent money, wearing jorts or t-shirts and caps with references to NASCAR, or to the states of Missouri or Arkansas), free drinks are served, people clip their toenails, wear makeup, talk normally. Such was not the case at the Harrah's off I-210 last night.

Two things clued me in that this might not be the classiest casino. First, the presence of a bar at the entrance to the casino. Yes, you were encouraged to purchase your $3.00 beer before you sat at the table. Next, and this floored me - the casino was paging dealers and such over a very audible PA system. I've never heard a PA in a casino before, and it felt more like I was at Home Depot than anywhere. Truly filthy.

Of course, I went to this casino by myself. The roomate isn't much of a gambler and the other two interns were doing stuff with their wives. As is also the case, I get hit on by nasty ass bitches. In this case, a woman in her mid 40s. A smoker (no, she really smoked cigarettes, it was disgusting), dirty bleach blonde hair, and kinda chubby. She didn't really know how to play blackjack, so I helped her out, not because I'm nice, but because I didn't want her play to fuck up my cards. As is also the case when I give blackjack advice, she starts winning. I continue winning. Then she gets friendly and congratulates me by nudging me on my arm after I win a hand. Didn't mind it at first because I think it's collegial. I keep winning (she does too) and she starts calling me "Lucky Guy" and, instead of the little arm nudges, she elects to begin softly squeezing me on my arm after a victorious hand. This was a little weird. Of course, since I'm a guy, I had a devil/angel moment. The devil said, "Chris, it's yours if you want it." (It had come up in coversation that she had a "very nice" room at the casino). The angel said, "Chris, this bitch is nasty. What the fuck are you thinking? You have a good thing going with Jayhawk. Chill out, brother."

So, as the story ends, I let it go, played it off, had a good time, then came home. I am currently watching baseball (very American of course) and reading the college football preview magazines I bought yesterday. Later, I will eat barbeque and watch some fireworks later tonight. Then it's back to work!