The Friend Zone

After having been introduced to and having studied this topic for approximately 6 (starting my 7th) years, I need to state my position on the subject of friendly hook-ups, or fucking a friend, for those of you who prefer it straight.

In mid-September 1999, about 3 weeks into my freshman year at Texas, I attempted to hook up with a girl I had known since middle school. Now, for those of you who didn't know, I still wore braces when I entered UT, and I was slightly shorter than I am now (yes, believe it or not, I grew like 1.5 inches in college), so I wasn't exactly the prime physical specimen I am now (that's the smell of sarcasm, mofo) but I thought I was a decent dude.

Anyway, I was rejected on the basis that I was the girl's "friend." She spat out some bullllshit about how hooking up "would ruin the friendship," etc. Given my relative inexperience at the time dealing with the opposite sex (yes Dr. Brownstein, I know they're not totally "opposite"), I figured this girl just didn't find me attractive. However, as the weeks, months, and years went by, I found this to be a more common occurence. I was astonished. To this day, there are girls who simply won't do this on the assumption that the "friendship" would be harmed, etc. In my attempt to be an honest and decent gentleman, who might happen to want a piece of ass somewhere down the line, I have totally fucked myself and wound up in what I, and many others, call "The Friend Zone."

Ladies, this is horseshit. Complete and total horseshit. Look, if you're going to reject me, be real about it. Tell me I'm not your type. Tell me you have a boyfriend. Tell me you're scared of my dick because you heard it put a girl's eye out last week. Tell me you're on your fucking period for Christ's sake! DO NOT tell me you won't do it because you ASSUME it MIGHT ruin the friendship or because "I've known you for so long." What kind of fucked up logic is that? In an uncertain world of sexually transmitted diseases and general distrust of those we don't know, I would think you would WANT some safe, good, sex and not have to worry about the history of your partner. Don't get me wrong, we all have the occasional random hookup (see Team America - Fuck Yea post), but when it comes to the friend, we shouldn't be so quick to dismiss on that basis.

The entire "we're just friends, so I won't lay down with you" excuse is based on the assumption that after the cum shot, the girl becomes emotionally attached to the guy she slept with. .I refuse to believe this. Now, emotional attachment does change a relationship as it is the biggest difference between friendships and romances, but are you girls really incapable of having a good time and remaining on the same terms with the guy afterwards? I certainly hope not.

Some of you say that many times the guy changes and not the girl. I can certainly understand your argument. However, the reason why we hang around the people we do (i.e. firm our circle of friends) is because we have a lot in common. I don't think its a stretch to say that the personalities and ideals of the people in your group of friends are probably similar. That said, you probably have a good idea of how someone might react to an event like hooking up. And chances are, not a whole lot will change.

Off hand, I can think of 4 girls who were friends of mine before we hooked up. It's because neither of us bought into the patently false "friend zone" excuse and because we were very mature that we remain good friends to this day. No jealousy, no hard feelings, nothing. Just good, clean, fun. The other day a friend asked if it would be strange if we hooked up. I said it wouldn't. I'm mature. She's mature. It would work. I'm not sure it would actually happen for a few reasons, but I didn't reject the idea on the principle that I was/am her friend.

By the way, Samantha, I need those SATC dvd's back...


"Rack me, I am out..." -Clones on the Jim Rome show