The Weekend

While I'm still not really into the whole Halloween, dressing up thing, I do enjoy going out and looking at the "costumes." To be clear, I am all for women dressing up (or undressing, actually) in sexy garb for the holiday. I encourage this behavior for Halloween. Actually, I encourage this behavior generally. If a girl can put on lingerie and a set of wings and call herself a Victoria's Secret angel in October when its cold outside, then I don't see why she can't do the same thing in August, or September when its warmer.

While most of the costumes were pretty creative, a few stood out (for better or for worse):

The Home Wrecker: typed in the same style as The Home Depot, I thought this was really cool
Super-absorbency and Flow: don't think too hard about this. Pretty funny nonetheless (and it has to be if a guy is talking about it)
Steve Irwin: this is why I mentioned "for worse". This guy mounted a stingray on his chest. Very bad taste. I think he even had the fake Australian accent to boot.

I don't anticipate going to 6th on Tuesday (the actual Halloween day), but we shall see.

The rest of the weekend was pretty sweet. Texas came back from a 21-point deficit to win (sorry DA), but didnt move up in the BCS.

I also came pretty close to cussing out an intramural referee. In what was by far the worst officiated game I've ever been playing in, our coed flag football team lost. I'm still super, ultra pissed about the game, but I'll take my agression out in the gym this week.

Ok, thats it.

Saturday Night in Austin, Texas

In the second part of a post-midterm drinking double header weekend, I went to 6th street last night. As was usual, I went to 6th street with friends from grad school and friends from undergrad. As was also the normal case, we all drank a lot. Jaeger bombs, beers, jello shots, the usual.

A visit to the club Spill is becoming more of an occurrence during nights on 6th. There's dancing undergraduate girls, good drinks (and pretty decent service, too), but it's crowded as all hell, so it makes for the perfect last-stop/last-resort/if-you're-gonna-hook-up-but-don't-know-who-with-yet-then-go-here kind of place.

Spill was great, but its two events that ensued my trip to Spill that I'd like to highlight. One these is fucking infuriating. I'll be blunt: I'm sick of getting hit on by unattractive girls. Seriously, look at who I roll with, look at my style and make some assumptions. Look, I'm not a vain guy at all (you all know this or should have figured it out by now). In fact, looks mean less to me than they do to most other people. But I'm gonna fuckin lose it the next time a busted girl comes up to me telling me she like how I look, "thinks I'm fly", wants my number, etc, and then tells me she has a 1-year old at home. I don't care. Don't talk to me!!

Second, and this is kind of funny, but I've been reintroduced to the concept of "strongarming" a girl. Remember I talked about this some time ago in one of my posts. Strongarming refers to the physical practice of "escorting" a girl somewhere by grabbing onto her arm. Harmless, right?

Wrong.

WRONG.

In what may go down as the most agressive deal closing (if you can even call it that) in Gulf Coast history, my friend Big EZ bypassed all small talk, flirting, and probably foreplay by strongarming his way to ass (Chinese style, for added strength) last night. Literally, this is how it went down:

2:56am: get back to Big EZ's place
3:12am: the girls walk in (aside: we hadn't talked to any of the new girls while on 6th, even though they were with us), and Big EZ starts making shots like there's no tomorrow...he's on a mission...
3:20am: I change into PJs...brother is weary
3:23am: KW's boyfriend locks her out of his room. He has to be at work at 7:45.
3:24am (28 minutes after getting back from 6th having not talked to these girls AT ALL while there): Kate is still trying to get into her bf's room, I'm watching TV, and out of nowhere I see Big EZ "coaxing" this chick into his room. The grip on this chick's arm was classic. It was going down. KW was drunk and emotional (why do girls get all pissy and start crying at the drop of a hat when they're trashed?), but EZ had bigger fish to fry. The story ends here. See diagram.


Important lessons from the night: they will come to you. Just wait.

Update

I promise to update this thing more often. I've had many requests to do so. People (apparently) like this thing. My life isn't that interesting (at least I don't think so), but if you do, then thats awesome. Ok, so brief update is:

Academic:
September: more classes, homework, studying
September: 20th-ish: Intel diversity challenge
September 26th: Atlanta for National Black MBA conference. Awesome time.
October 16th-20th: Midterms aka Hell on Earth

Social:
September - October: Got drunk, made more friends in my class, got to know others better
October 7th: Texas-OU weekend. Made the annual trip to Dallas. Stayed at Eric's parents. Introduced to the 80 inch HD screen. Fell in love with 80 inch HD screen. Negotiating access privileges to the residence.
September: met 19 year old at a power hour (yes, Chris does power hour). met 20 year old. Chris has problems meeting girls his own age. Clearly.
September: learned how to play flip cup. My life has changed.

The Central Texas Heat

It's been about a week since I moved back to Austin. I've gotta tell ya, it's been quite an adventure already. I began my MBA orientation last week. I've met a ton of people, each of whom is impressive in his/her own right. We go out at night, try to be as social as possible. It looks like I'm in for a fun two years.

As suggested by the headline of this post, it's hot as hell outside. I think Austin hit 100 or 101 degrees every day this week. It was ridiculous. My car's AC is definately getting a workout. I think it's going to rain next week, so hopefull it'll cool off.

I'm still getting my apartment situated, so I'll write more when I get the chance. I still have pictures to hang and my computer setup to complete. Hopefully it'll all be done soon!

Texas begins its quest to defend its national title in 6 days. I'm excited. Are you?

The Path to Greatness

I've never been afraid of change. As a young person finding his purpose in this life, I find that change is an essential part of the process. I'm constantly meeting new people, moving to new places, doing new things, and since I subscribe to the belief that we are defined by our experiences, at times I find it necessary to occasionally reflect on my significant experiences in the world.

So as I prepare for the next (albeit very short) chapter in my life (lets call it "The Graduate School Years"), I'd like to briefly reflect on my time spent in Houston.

It was with cautious optimism that I made the move from wonderful NYC to Houston. Not knowing what to expect, I sought residence in an area close to work. Work was fun, but I didn't know many people outside of it, especially that first year. So I dated a girl long distance, left town on the weekends when i could, and hated investment banking life during the week. We had the super bowl, midtown blew up, downtown blew up, and all was right in the world.

The second year was better. Peyman, Logan, Eric, Omead, Diana, Lisa, Monica, Ted, Russell, and others all migrated to the area. I reconnected with them and other friends I had lost touch with along the way. It was great. The 'stros got to the NLCS but lost. Texas made the rose bowl and won. I discovered more bars and clubs than ever. Houston began to feel like home.

The third year was great. The 'stros made the Series, Texas won the title, and I hooked up with an asian. I left banking. I went to vegas. I still kept in touch with friends and got closer to some existing ones. Jenni Taylor, who I met the night of the big 12 championship through Staci, has become a good friend of mine, so good that we hung out basically every day since last December. I also met KingwoodGirl, who I mentioned in an earlier post. She's awesome.

Anyhow, A couple of moments are particuarly impressive, and I'd like to recap them.

• Las Vegas, August 2005: Myself, the beloved Fade, and R. Jones decided to blow off some steam in the desert. After the smoothest airplane landing in world aviation history, we took vegas for all it was worth. Between caesars palace, club Pure, and the strip, we painted the town red. This was the end result.

• The Rose Bowl, January 2006: This doesn't need much explanation. R. Jones, Big Easy, The Man, and I flew out to the city of angels and watched Texas beat USC for the national title. The tickets were free! I could go on and on. Unforgettable.

• t e n i n t e n, June 2006: In the most aggresive hunt for new alcohol I've ever undertaken, my friend Jenni and experienced 10 totally new bars in the Houston area. It was a great success. I'll probably do the same in austin.

Although two of the three events occurred outside of Houston, everyone I experieced them with lives in Houston, so it counts. Clearly, this list is by no means exhaustive, but I thought I'd cherry pick some of the ones that stood out.

So as I leave Houston, I wish everyone well, I invite anyone and everyone to come visit myself and others in Austin, and I assure you all that I'll be back.

State of the Union

It's been a little over a year since I started this blog. At first, I started it because it was a way for me to deal with a tough break up. I decided I would focus on meeting new chicks and recount my experiences here. But after a while, I decided against it. Then, this blog became something fun to write and gather reaction to. People read it, liked it, commented, etc. Now, a bit more than a year later, its still fun (now that I finally got it working again), and I'll still talk about random girls, but it will perform a different function. Since I am going off to college (again), I'll use it to update people on my graduate school experience.

But first, lets review the girl action:

• March - April: met NYC girl, hooked up, determined she was nuts, cut all ties
• March - June: met medical school girl, very much into her, but totally wrong timing
• April - Present: met Cecil's chick online, total hook-up relationship...pretty cool....sorta
• May - Present: met KingwoodGirl, definitely into her, timing sucks, but willing to wait
• June - Present: met AngryChick, hooked up, found out she was AngryChick, still figuring out my angle with her, haven't ruled out cutting all ties

Whoop, there it is.

Tonight I went out to Cecil's (fucking LOVE that bar) with Jenni. She had the great idea of composing an "ode to htown" of sorts. I like the idea. So stay tuned.

Without question, I am a little sad to leave Houston. Although I am looking forward to my time in Austin, I can't get away from all the good times I've had, the new people I've met and/or reconnected with, and the amount I've grown as an individual. Fortunately, this isn't 1970 where you kept in touch with people via written letter. We have the internet, cell phones, e-mail, and more.

Stay up y'all.

Update

Blogger has been fucking up my posts since April, so I havent posted anything on here in a long while. I don't have a computer to post with because my computer burned up about two months ago.

Ok, so here is an update on me:

April: Decided to attend Texas-McCombs business school
May: Got drunk, partied
June: (a) Drank more, partied more, (b) did a 10 bars in 10 days tour with my friend Jenni. Met some cool people along the way.
July: see (a) from June, went to the grocery store, bought my Texas football tickets, turned 25 and saved a lot of money on my car insurance

I'll fill in the details later. Peace ya'll.

For America! - LG

John,

I recently heard of your support for repealing the Estate Tax after 2010 instead of allowing the rules to revert to the old code before the phase out. I must say that I am AGAINST a permanent repeal of the Estate Tax. Current Rules as of 2005 allow estates under 1.5 million gross to skip filing an estate return. Even then, the exemption amount will be growing from 3 million to infinity in 2010. With the current state of our national treasury, how does it make sense to permanently repeal the estate tax? We are at war with Terrorism is two different Middle East countries and continue to donate money by the millions for AIDS and other humanitarian needs in Africa and around the world while borrowing money from China and Saudi Arabia to pay for it all. What will all this interest cost? How bad is it to be in the back pocket of the largest Communist country in the world? How much farther can we cut the revenues and increase spending? Our government needs these funds provided by the Estate Taxes. Even if the lowest tax rate of 35% during the phase out period is used (which I wouldn't mind keeping) and the exemption amount is set at around 4 or 5 million, the overall majority of American citizens will face no estate tax. Something must be done to reverse the trend set over the past 8 years. Retaining the Estate Tax is not an increase in taxes, it is simply not giving the richest of the rich an extra break on paying their fair share. The rich neighborhoods already get the greatest cable service. The baron's children already don't have to work a day in their lives. And the schools in less fortunate areas are struggling to properly educate our next generation. I'm pleading for the well-being of this country and its financial situation. I'm coming to the table of my elected Senator asking for him to hear the cry of the majority of his constituents and not just the money men who finance his campaign for office. Please Senator, don't repeal the Estate Tax until we know that our government's finances can get back in the black and start paying off our debts. The Greatest Country in the world should not be at the fingertips of communists and theocracies.

Your Fellow Texan and American,

Logan H Gearheart

Hot Route

First, since I haven't posted in a while, I wanted everyone to know that I've decided to head back to Austin to start my graduate work in the fall. It's a two year program that will be very exciting and challenging. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

In other news, a few friends and I have decided to visit as many new bars in Houston over the course of the summer as possible. The first leg, cleverly labeled "10 bars in 10 days" will commence June 1st. As its name implies, this journey will take us to completely new establishments in different parts of the city. I can't wait.

I wish I had more shit to write, but there's just not that much stuff going on that I can talk about. Yea, I lead a boring life. Maybe I could explain how much I hate the Mavericks (except Avery Johnson), or how I am getting back into shape and some girl told me I was hot the other day and I actually believed her, or how much I like the pick-up line "I like the Sprite in you" (circa 1992, Run DMC), or how I intend to slip myself a roofie in the comfort of my own apartment just to see what all the fuss is about. But maybe it might go horribly wrong and I'll say "can i puke, huh, can i puke?" That was for you, Linds :) Peace.

The Apple of My i...Pod

After a bit of careful, painstaking research and evaluation, I have concluded that we, the United States, have the best immigration policy on the planet, regardless of its inherent flaws in application and oversight. Other countries leave their immigrants feeling disaffected and alientated (see France, November 2005). We do a pretty good job of letting them contribute to the economy. And they don't set our cars on fire.

In other news, I traveled to the Lou two weeks ago to visit Washington U during their admitted students weekend. Among a bunch of other random stuff, they gave us an iPod nano...for free. It's tight. Since my computer sucks, I went over to Lindsey's place to fill it up with tunes. Now I can get it crunk like Vince Young on gameday.

Then last week I few to the bay area to visit some friends. It was awesome. I spent last Saturday in Napa Valley at the wineries. I had an absolute blast. I also learned how to do a beer bong. Yes, I never did one in college..or after college. But now I'm hooked. For my birthday, I want a golden beer bong.

That's all I have to say for right now. Peace.

Why I Say 'NO' to Illegals - LG

In response to comments made by others, I want to say that calling an illegal immigrant a law breaker is NOT rhetoric. Saying that an illegal immigrant is a law breaker is FACT. Our immigration policies, law, state that immigrants wishing to come to America have certain requirements such as passing through a port of entry, whether it be an airport, a seaport, or one of our many entry points along the Mexican and Canadian borders with documents. An illegal immigrant does none of the above or remains in the states long after his/her visa has expired. Using logic, anybody can come to the conclusion that illegal immigrants are breaking the law. This is not rhetoric!

Without further adieu, I do not want to allow illegal immigrants into the United States, nor do I desire to grant amnesty because:

First, illegal immigrants pose a health risk to Americans. In conversation with legal immigrants, I have found that applicants are finger printed and subject to blood screens and vaccinations for diseases such as tuberculosis, measels, polio, and hepititus, etc. These diseases have been nearly eradicated in our society through mandatory vaccinations that we all endured in childhood. Allowing unchecked illegal immigrants into our country could spell disaster for our children, elderly, and immuno-deficient including yours truly. Do we know that an outbreak will, for certain, without a doubt, happen because of the governments deriliction of duty to protect our borders? No. Do we know that illegals create the possibility of a major public health concern? Yes!

Second, illegal immigrants force down the wages of our working class. Yes, the class of workers who won't sit on their asses to receive a welfare check. Why would a factory or construction company pay any more than minimum wage to Americans when they can hire five illegals at half the price? Part of the problem here is our corporate culture. The other part of the problem is that these illegals are available. I'm tired of the 'rhetoric' that these illegals are doing the jobs every American will not do. John McCain asked a group of union workers if they would pick lettuce in Arizona for proper wages. Their answer was a resounding 'YES!' With the amount of layoffs, they might have to. Also, watch Diry Jobs on the Discovery Channel, you'll find many jobs the majority of America will not do, yet Americans do do for low wages.

Third, not all illegal immigrants are here to work. A recent study on our incarceration system has found that illegals make up 29% of all jailbirds. I dont know if the number is that high but anything over 15%, well above the illegal population percentage, is alarming. Think central american gangs and drug pushers, pedophiles, rapists, and murderers. Anyone hear of MS-13? These people were running from the law in their own countries and saw America as a place to escape their punishments. How many of these are going to change their ways on this side of the Rio Grande? Don't hurt your head thinking about. These are not people you want roaming freely in our society. 'So, Americans do that' is not a proper rebutle; in fact, its a sign of a mental disorder and the inability to understand we are talking about illegal immigrants.

Finally, illegal immigrants use our social systems without paying taxes. I'm talking about schools. Illegals flood into our overly crowded cities where their children go to inner city schools. No need mentioning the quality of our inner city schools. Its not all the illegals fault, but it is adding strain to our efforts and our children deserve more. I'm also talking about our healthcare system. A doctor from the valley informed me that Mexican doctors botch surgeries and drop them off over the river because American hospitals cant turn away a man in need. The emergency room costs are rarely paid. Where do you think the authorities took the injured illegals from the caravan crash on Highway 59 last week? Also, I've read research that says illegals use the emergency room for their personal doctor when needed. Think about that next time you hear about the wait just to see a doctor in the emergency room. Many hospitals along the border are so strained for funds that closing their doors may become reality. As for paying taxes? If you get paid in cash, do you pay taxes? Would you if the government didnt know you existed? Even if an illegal is legalized by his/her anchor baby and starts paying withholding, chances are he would be entitled to a full refund through the earned income credit. Taxes collected = ZERO.

In Conclusion, Immigrants 'OK', Illegals 'NO'! Amnesty for the illegals only invites anarchy and further problems. It sends the messege that in another 10-15 years Americans will break again and unlawful behavior will be rewarded. Ask the proponents of Reagan's Amnesty and compare the number of illegals granted anmesty then to the number of illegals in the US today. Anarchy is lawlessness. Lawlessness is a lack of enforced laws and punishment. This is not an issue of civil rights! Send the message now! Illegal entry into this country will not be tolerated!

May Your March Lead You Home

Stand up and be Heard - LG

In light of the protests in recent days supporting the massive influx of illegal immigrants into this country.  I say 'I hope the path of your march leads straight back home!'  Its time I start taking a stand.  Its time for people like myself to proclaim that we desire the punishment and deportation of illegals and enforced punishment for those who assist, encourage, and aid an illegal immigrant to maintain residence in the United States.  Sorry Chris if you didnt want politicized issues popping up on the blog, but I've had enough.  And nobody call me racist over this.  I'm against illegal immigration, not against allowing people to gain lawful entry into our country.  I've met and come to know Mexican nationals who gained lawful entry to our country and have nothing but respect for them.  Below is a letter I wrote to John Cornyn.  Some of it is incomplete and will be worked out later.  Please, my fellow Americans,  Stand up for what you believe, the future is ours, wake up and take it! 

Senator Cornyn,

Thank you for voting against the bill that came out of the Senate Subcommittee.  The bill that made it out of the subcommittee is a slap in the face to every voting American and to any family who ever made it to the fertile soil of the United States legally, as my family did through Ellis Island and many hispanics have done before.  The subcommittee has taken all the teeth out of the House bill under pressure from marching illegal immigrants and the Mexican government, not to mention the big businesses.  I am disgusted that our legislature shows no backbone for their biggest constituents, the American PEOPLE!  Not Mexicans, not OTMs, not Vicente Fox, not big business!  As a republican and conservative, I am disgusted with the actions of the president regarding immigration reform and beg of you and the other Senators to break away from Bush on this Issue and hand down a bill with some teeth.  We need to do what we can to discourage the illegal entry to our country.  We need to discourage the assistance of illegals remaining in the country.  And we need to not make the same mistake made in 1986 with Reagan's Amnesty.  Give me back the criminal offenses.  Illegal Immigrants already showed a disdain for our laws by circumventing our processes; they should be held accountable.  Give me back the penalties to business and enforce these penalties.  Include the House portion where employers must electronically verify an applicants status.  Enforce! Enforce! Enforce!  Put pressure on the executive branch to enforce the laws that our legislature passes!  Please Senator Cornyn, so many Americans are losing hope in our government, believing that outside sources play a bigger role in our policy making than our own citizens.  This issue needs to be driven home from capital hill.  Our democracy is by majority rule, and the majority of this great nation demands that the holes be plugged along the border.  The majority of this great nation demands that those who circumvent our laws be punished.  The definition of a criminal, sir, is a man or woman who breaks the law and that is what we have.  Amnesty can not be a plausible solution and is unacceptable to the majority of the legal, voting public.  They call us racist for wanting reform.  I am by no means racist.  I am an American who is asking for everyone to be accountable to our laws.  There should be no special treatment for those who disrespect our country.  For my friends who have made the journey legally, the Senate owes us.  For my family who went through the process on Ellis Island, the Senate owes us.  For those who lived the life found in The Grapes of Wrath, the Senate owes us.  Criminalize, deport, and discourage the rampant abuse of our immigration laws. 

A concerned citizen,
Logan H Gearheart

 

...so i start a revolution from my bed

I'm Still Alive

This is gonna be short. I have not written much on this site in a long while, so it's high time I do so. Anyway, I haven't done a ton of stuff over the past few weeks. I took a trip to NYC two weeks ago. It was cold as hell outside, but I had a good time.

On the academic front, I found out I got into Washington University (St. Louis) and UCLA (Los Angeles) business schools. Oh yea, I got full tuition scholarships to each. Pretty sweet, huh?

I am still holding out for Stanford and UT. Hopefully, their acceptances will come soon.

By the way, if I get into Stanford, I'm throwing a big ass party, one that will rival Tyrone Biggums $450,000 crack party, except without the crack. But first things first, I need to get in.

In other news, I've been to the lovely La Strada for two of the past three weekends. I actually met a really great girl there this past weekend. Her name's Lindsay and she's in med school. Updates if relevant/appropriate.

My NCAA tournament bracket is complete. The excitement starts in 8 hours.

More Chuck Norris

Thanks to my boy Harsha for more Chuck Norris amazement...

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Nobody does it like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Myspace & Fruit Stripes

Three weeks ago my friend Staci turned me on to yet another online social network. It's called MySpace and it's large. Whereas you need to be in college or high school in order to join MySpace's chief competitor, TheFacebook, anyone and everyone is eligible to join MySpace. As you might imagine, some shady shit goes down over this site. Whether is completely random people sending you messages or the shadiest guys writing provocative comments on girls' pages, anything and everything is allowed on here. A local news team even uncovered a drug trafficing ring that was partially operated by communication through MySpace. Yes, people make drug trafficing plans through this site. Since I'm not being paid by this site to advertise, I'll stop the plug, but y'all need to check it out.

When I was a little kid, my favourite type of gum was a type called Fruit Stripes. It had the colorful zebra on the package. Today, I found a pack of Fruit Stripes, and a single tear ran down my face because I became so emotional. This gum has little temporary tattoos on each wrapper. It's off the hook.

Texas barely escaped Kansas State tonight. I'm worried.

You Thought Ninjas Were Asian...

Everyone, thank Mike Dynamo for this...this is the funniest thing I have read in a while. These are apparently true facts (redundancy, I know) about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Rather than being born like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Everyday's the 14th

I haven't posted anything relevant or impactful in a long time...and this time is no different. First, I want to wish everyone a very happy Valentine's Day (actually its 1:21am on the 15th, so I hope everyone had a good holiday). Guys, I hope you showed your girl how much you love her. You should do that each day, but especially this day. Girls, if your man was strapped for cash, I hope you took the reins and made it a special day for the two of you. For my part, since I didn't have a valentine this year (sadness), I did what I thought was most appropriate: I drank. Yea, I went out with my friend Heather to a bar, had a couple Jaeger bombs and beers, and just chilled out.

In other news, Logan and I need basketball tickets to the UT vs Kansas game on Feb 25th. I have a burning desire to destroy Kansas this year since they embarassed us 90-65 last year. I also hate the university of kansas in general (almost as much as I hate oklahoma), so I really want to beat their asses. FUCK KANSAS, dammit! Logan and I will be making the trip to lovely Austin, Texas that weekend, so clear your schedules, bitches! There's a few Jaegar bombs with your names on them.

Ok, so last Saturday I meet this girl at a bar. Her name's Jayme. She seemed cool, although she started a conversation with me by butting into a conversation I was already having, but I didn't care. I call her yesterday, she calls me back. I'm tryin to hang out with this girl, but she keeps dodging it, talking about she has a lot of school shit. She says she even stays in a lot on the weekends...

...faithful readers, how should I read this? My initial reaction is to assume she's blowing me off, but maybe she really does have a ton of school shit (she's studying to be a nurse, and has to do classwork, clinical rotations, etc). Then again, who studies consistently on Friday and Saturday nights? I mean, what gives?

Anyway, I this weekend is All-Star weekend, and it will be nearly impossible to get into a good club because a ton of celebs are having parties. Why the fuck am I not famous? Seriously, has anyone seen me lately? My face (and newfound facial hair pattern) screams celebrity...

Take care everyone,
-Chris

Model Citizen

Always one to expand my social horizons, I entertained Jenni tonight at the newfound restaurant Casa Ole, which sucked balls, and the Surf Shack, which is arguably the most ghetto club in Houston.

For months I have wanted to go to Surf Shack, and tonight the dream finally came true. I rolled in dressed like a slob, paid a fucking $5 cover charge (yes, this place charges cover on a fucking Wednesday night), and headed to the bar. After the opening round of drinks, we circled the place, checking out the crowd and soaking in the ambiance, or maybe it was the heavy amouts of cigarette and weed smoke. Anyhow, there was some cool music jamming, but since Jenni doesn't dance yet, I didn't really dance a lot. The crowd was really, really young (tonight was 18+) and a tad bit on the "urban" side, but I liked it. Alot. I'm going back very soon.

In other news, this evening I officially became a Premiere Promotions model. That's right bitches, your man is gonna sell some shit with his body. This should be cool. I'll distribute my bio complete with pictures (unairbrushed) as soon as it becomes available.

Finally, I need a drinking date for next Tuesday (yes, Valentine's Day). We'll listen to Outkast, get wasted, and see where the evening goes from there. Call 5-785-4277 to apply! Females preferred.

The Beautiful Women of 308

In what was, to date, the most amazing weekend of 2006, I traveled once again to the Ohio State University for a party.

A fucking amazing party.

Yep, it was my cousin Drew's 19th birthday, and her lovely roomates threw her a great party. I'm talking 3 kegs, leis for everyone, at least 200 people, amazing music, decent girls, people dancing all over the place, and, of course, 8 to 12 fights (the actual number is still being confirmed). For all of its craziness, it was appropriately named Drewza-Palooza, after the blowout party on the movie "Old School."

This was the kind of party that literally defines the American college social experience. When it was all said and done, the party transcended the hype, it exceeded the expectations, and in doing so it redefined and reset the standard of a great party experience.

Quite simply, this was the stuff of legends.

I must admit I was a little skeptical of going to another college party with Natural Light kegs (yuck) and frat-tacular guys with their dirty-ass hats, North Face fleeces, and Abercrombie jeans. I didn't like it at Texas and honestly still don't like it now. But everyone was cool, really cool in fact. I really enjoyed it.

I have to pause here to give general shout outs to this crew. These girls are by far the most entertaining group of sophomore girls I have ever met. Cellini, KP, Bird, and of course, Drewza, y'all are awesome and I really, really cannot wait to see all of you again. KP, you've got a hell of a standard to live up to for your 21st.

She's An Investment Banker...

It's 2:56am. I smell like a perfect mix of smoke, Chanel perfume, and alcohol, otherwise known as a typical night in Midtown. My head hurts. My ears are ringing. I'm chugging water and wishing the clubs were open till 4. But all is well, at least for this night, because I have converted two followers into Midtown-lovers. That's right, Logan & Eden love this place. It took me over a year to convince the first member of 10106 Bassoon that Midtown is the shit. And tonight, I have two people.

Allow me to briefly explain. Shortly after moving home from wonderful NYC, I discovered club 410, which I thought was amazing. Well, 410 sucks now so I had to find a new place. Two weeks ago, I found it. It's called Hue and it is 0.3 miles from my place. And it's fucking baddass. The place plays the greatest mix of music ever, catering to all audiences. The crowd looks great, and there's no cover. The drinks are expensive as shit (tonight I spent $135, mainly because we got 10 Jager Bombs @ $9 each) but the atmosphere makes up for it.

Since I discovered Logan's "white-boys-can-dance" groove in Vegas, I figured he'd like it. Our acquaintence, Eden, who looks exactly like Uma Thurman (damn, girl, you need to call me more often), loves to dance, so this was the perfect place. The place rocked.

When we first walk in, we begin the evening with the near-ceremonial partaking of the first Jaeger Bomb. I will suggest for the next 10 years that we toast to Texas winning the National Championship. So we toast, slam, and order the next round. Along the way, we notice this chick next to us. She was white, brown hair, about 5'2, probably 105. Bangin' Come to find out, she, and her fine ass blonde friend who had a boyfriend, went to Georgia Tech, and the girl is an investment banker. Chris was a banker. Chris knows the life. Unfortunately, the timing of this was way too late and she peaced out before we could really talk to her. However, as she was dancing, Logan astutely pointed out that half the girl's right nipple was showing. So, I tried to Jedi-mind trick this girls' nipple into full exposing itself. The girl had A cups (and a very miracle push-up bra), so it wouldn't have been anything magical, but cool nonetheless. My Jedi-mind trick didn't work. Oh well.

I was really pissed off that I didn't learn she was a banker until late in the evening. I would have played that shit off perfectly. Would have been in like Flint. So now, like the European chick, I'm gonna have to back-door this shit. I know she works at CSFB, and I know like 5 people there. I also still know people at JPM. So I'll just work the connects and see where it takes me.

Tomorrow I am going to my friend Karen's birthday party. Karen is married to my friend Mike, and I finally get to see their house. I'm really excited. They have such a great marriage, I'm almost jealous.

Next week I am headed to the East Coast Throwdown at The Ohio State University. My cousin is turning the big 19 (insert jokes about a 24 year old partying with 19 and 20 year old girls). Happy Birthday Drew! I still hate your football team.

Riders of the Storm - LG

As if my Longhorns winning the Rose Bowl and National Championship wasn't enough. As if watching the Rose Bowl from the stands in a seat I received for free wasn't enough. As if seeing the Seahawks win a playoff game wasn't enough. Last night I sat and watched the Seahawks in the NFC Championship game, my favorite NFL team from a city I have no connection with, a team that went 2-14 in 1992 (yes I'm still a fan), a team that has made the playoffs a total of 4 times in the past 15 years and only had a chance in the final two weeks of the season on two other occasions. The Seabags are now headed to the SUPER BOWL!

The title of this post is Riders of the Storm, a tribute to the Doors. Keep on Ridin, ridin, got to keep on ridin ridin. Thats right! The wave didnt crest in LA! The wave didnt crest when UT walked into Memphis nor did it crest when Villanova came to town. The wave didnt crest last weekend when a lady I had met in Longview after Christmas decided to drive two hours and spend an evening with me! I, sir, am a lucky man. The wave didnt crest when I witnessed the Seabags win their first playoff game since 1984 (I was not old enough to remember that victory!) And the wave didnt disappear on my first business trip I took last week to Phoenix. The flight out of Houston was delayed from 9:10 PM till 11, or that is the time we finally made it off the ground. No! In fact, the wave picked up more steam in Phoenix. I covered old memories with new ones in parts of town I had only been once before. I drove around an unfamiliar city in an Impala rapping to myself "Wanna be a balla, shot calla, twenty inch blades on the impala" Picture me rollin'. Like how I'm living?

When you're on a roll, you're on a roll. I'm on a serious roll, and the wave I've been riding could have only been created by a storm, a nasty, earth shattering, dramatizing storm. Next time you see one brewing, pull up your boot straps, buckle your seatbelt, strap on your helmet, lace your dancing shoes. Get ready to ride one out. Riders of the Storm! That which does not kill you only makes you stronger. I'm not saying the wave carrying you out of your storm will be as high as the one I'm riding. Yours might even be better, but know this. After every storm is peace. The weather clears. The clouds evaporate. The wind dies down. The temperature evens out. Never give in to depression during a storm. Life around the bend will make your trials and tribulations worth the agony.

maybe I just want to fly / I want to live I don't want to die / maybe I just want to breathe / maybe I just don't believe

Do You Drive...Stick?

This is my next car. Many of you say, "yeah, right." But then you realize who's getting it and you say, "right on, brother."



It's the BMW 6-series and I added the sport package option, hence the sweet-ass 19" rims.

Get Your Tan On

Based on a dream I had last night (and, of course, after a long conversation with my family, friends, and church pastor), I have decided to travel to St. Lucia this summer. I don't know exactly when I am going, but I don't want to go for my birthday. That said, it will have to be either during the month of June or during the first three weeks of July. I will figure out the dates by the end of March and will let y'all know. Anyone who reads this is more than welcome to come along, as it is sure to be a blast. Seriously, if you've ever been to the Virgin Islands, you know what I'm talking about. The place is amazing.

For those of you interested, just e-mail me and I can get you estimates on air travel, hotel, et cetera. Serious inquiries only.

The Power of the Mallow

First, I want to thank everyone for weighing in so heavily on my TV in the bedroom post. Apparently people want to talk about marriage on this site. Sorry. Not doing that until I am 29.

Second, I want to give MAJOR shouts out to my friends Samantha and Anica, who I have gone to dinner with the past two nights and who both PAID FOR ME!!!! Holy shit, I never thought I would see the day, much less two in a row. 2006 is the year Chris gets girls to pay for him. Not because I'm cheap (if you know me, you know I am light years from cheap), but because I just figure I have it coming to me. [Aside: I developed a policy in Fall 2001 that if I ever went out with 1 girl that I would pay for everything, and if it were two or more that I wouldn't. It's screwed me for 5 years.]

Third, and I know I am going to get in MAJOR trouble among you female readers, but I had a fantasy today. If I happen to "get lucky" again in 2006, I kinda want the girl to wear a Texas Longhorns football helmet during the "session." Is this weird?

I Hate You

An Italian sexologist did a study and concluded that having a TV in the bedroom cuts your sex life in half. I was floored. The study says that the married couples surveyed that did not have a TV had sex 8 times a month, while couples with a TV had sex 4 times a month. Are you fucking serious? 4 times a month?!? And this is among the under-50 crowd! Over 50 drops to 1.5 times per month for couples with TVs.

Is this seriously what people have to look forward to in a marriage? I hear from my married friends (guys mostly) that there's a substantial drop-off in activity once you slip those rocks onto a girl's finger. But I don't understand why that is.

Granted, I am well aware that there is a whole lot more to marriage than sex. Tons more. I would even go so far as to say that sex isn't in the top 2 priorities in a marriage (holy shit, did Chris really just say that?). But the 35-year old mind in my 24-year old body cannot comprehend "being intimate" with your spouse a mere two times a week. That's completely ridiculous.

Now, I will say this. What if you and your partners watched erotic shows on your TV? I bet that would increase your sex life. And then, what if you put a fish tank in your bedroom? Well, that might just freak her out (this is an inside joke to 2 people). But I would argue that the mere presence of a TV is probably not the cause of the decline. Maybe the Italian guys were just really hairy and their wives just weren't attracted to them anymore. There must be other reasons for the drop-off. This Italian study is flawed.

Logan and I have decided to start our own consulting firm. I am working on the incorporation papers this week, and TDD, Inc. will formally launch operations on February 1st. We will service individuals and small groups.

Trimming the Fat

Every so often I will go through my cell phone and delete people that I haven't spoken to in a long time, or who I can't remember, or who I never wish to speak to again, or some combination thereof. If I ever needed to speak to them again, I couldn't do it because I probably didn't memorize their number. Last night I deleted like 15 names, then realized I probably wanted to keep one but didn't know the number. Does anyone else do this?

Does anyone agree with levying a larger tax on fast food (a.k.a. the Fat Tax) to discourage its consumption?

I want people to stay on this site longer. Yes, I track visit lengths. I know people check daily for key words, implicit insults, etc, but stay a while, read, vote in my poll (bottom of the page), and leave some remarks. Below is a sample of nerdy shit I like to look at (January 17th only).

Question

You can get a Big Mac for a dollar.

If I'm going out on a date, and the girl asks how she looks, can I tell her she looks like a million Big Macs? I mean, that's the same as telling her she looks like a million dollars, right?

Leave some comments, bitches. I'll write more in the morning.

Writer's Block

I've been staring at my screen for a full 20 minutes thinking about what to write. This is guaranteed to suck, so stop while you're ahead. But you won't because you like what I write. Admit it, you love this.

I suppose I could first say happy Martin Luther King, Jr day to everyone. Watch the parade, engage in some good discussion, barbeque, etc, to commemorate the holiday. Like those of Rosa Parks, I am thankful for Dr. King's actions so I could grow up in a better society. And I'd imagine many others are thankful as well.

I think talking about grape juice is getting me somewhere. Saturday night I met this girl whose last name is Chappelle. I think I'm in love. Not really, but it was kinda cool.

So a while back (during Hurricane Rita, way before I discovered Tom Leykis) I went out with this girl. We go to Tex-a-delphia, then to a movie, and then hook up at her place. Naturally, I paid for the food and movie (and kept it under $40), which got me to thinking: Is it right for guys to expect sex from spending money on girls? I won't share my view for fear of backlash from both sides of the debate, but if you really know me then you know how I feel. Anyway, that's the subject of this week's poll. Please take the time to scroll down and vote.

Congratulations to Logan for his victory over the Houston Cougars. With time running out in overtime, he penetrated the defense and slammed it home. I got my asian, Lo got his Cougar. The sun is rising.

It's only Monday, but I can't wait for this weekend. Party in Austin.

All The Small Things

This post is about a few minor, seemingly inconsequential things that happen to me that I make a big deal out of, either rightly or wrongly.

I got a sweet-ass haircut yesterday. It's actually just a light fade with the taper in the back, but the guy did a really good job of it. And, I am proud to announce, after nearly 25 years on this planet, I finally have enough upper-lip hair to call it a mustache. I also had him extend my sideburns all the way down and have the hair follow my jawline. It looks sweet-ass.

Whenever I am at a club, especially here in Midtown, it never fails that several groups of like 4 or 5 super hot girls roll up and walk right in to the party. Where the hell do these girls come from?!? And more importantly, why I don't I know them? Maybe I see them on the street in their everyday clothes and think nothing of it, but then they go through metamorphosis on Friday and Saturday nights and become fucking bombshells. I'm not the kind of guy to reach out and grab a girl's ass, but last night I had a hell of a time controlling myself. But then I remind myself these girls are all golddiggers, and since I am also a golddigger, it wouldn't work out. But who cares? I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking about tonight!*

Can anyone identify the middle eastern country someone accessed this website from? It's next to Africa, but I don't know what it is.


*copyright 2005 by Logan

So I Fucked A Midget...

...not really. Sorry to disappoint, but do you actually think I would do some wacky, circus porn shit like that? I'm just trying to get your attention.

I title this post as such to illustrate the theme of this post: funny shit that's simply inappropriate to do or to make fun of. The humor here is largely sophomoric and some of it is downright wrong, so if you can't handle it then, well, fuck off.

Two events over the past few days made me chuckle...

Event #1: My friend Staci coaches a seventh- and eighth-grade girls basketball team at an Austin middle school. Many of the girls are playing organized sports for the first time, so it came with little surprise that they lost their first game 67-2. Reportedly, one of the girls even peed herself during the game. Chalk that drubbing up to experience, or lack thereof. So the second game came around and they lost 44-2. It started getting funny to me. I told Staci that her team averages two fucking points a game, and this ain't soccer. So yesterday the team had their third game, and I'm thinking they're poised to win. After all, they were playing the mighty girls from the Texas School for the Deaf. The final score was 44-17...Staci's team lost. I'm talking to Staci and I'm like, "dear, the other team was deaf, they could'nt hear." I know it's insensitive to laugh. So, in typical Chris wisecracking fashion, I suggested they play the Texas School for the Blind. She called me a "fucker."

Event #2: Selvin Young conducted an interview shortly after Texas won the Rose Bowl in which he bashed the media for "straight up disrespecting" Texas during the weeks before the big game. The funny part came at the end when he said the media didn't expect Texas (as opposed to USC) to stand behind the "podum" (as opposed to "podium") and receive the tropy. Might need to repeat English 301, dude.

Event #3 (added at 2:50pm Friday): I'm at a bar last weekend standing next to this girl while waiting for the bar tender. Her back is to me and I kind of feel her hair a bit. She turns around suddenly and I jerk her hair a little. She gives me a dirty look but doesn't say anything. Later on I'm back at the bar (after I had been drinking) and we start talking about some random shit. I tell her that I have to leave and we give our salutations. But before I left I told her that she needed to start using conditioner because her hair was brittle as hell. I thought it was funny.

In other news, does anyone find it funny that the picture on my Blogger profile links to the HotOrNot website? Or have no of you noticed? Well, the explanation is that I couldn't find any other free picture hosting website that I could link to.

And finally, I found this really cool interactive map thing that lets you see where everyone who reads this blog is reading it from. I've also started going back to my stat counter website and looking specifically where people are accessing this site from. I can see the exact city and state, even the ISP. Mostly people from Texas are looking at it. I've had a fair amout of page loads from different cities in New York, Massachusetts, Washington, Kansas, Arizona, and California. Then I've got some international hits from France and Norway. Pretty cool.

Blonde Moment

This is on Reggie Bush's failed lateral attempt. Texas recovered, but the SC cheerleader is confused...

January 11, 2006

"Girl, you look so good, I would drink your bathwater." -Jerome from "Martin"

Two weeks ago during my trip to Nice, I learned that white people never knew about the TV show Martin until 2004, a full 6 years after the show went off air. This saddened me because the show rocks and everyone would enjoy it. But, of course, I understood. After all, I wasn't aware that Seinfeld (which, coincidentally, had the same time slot as Martin) even existed until it went off air.

I was thinking about my Rose Bowl experience and became a bit concerned with how emotionally invested I was into that game. I've discussed this with two people already. Is it a good sign when the successes/failures of a football team dictate your emotional state for the days and weeks following a game? Never in my entire life have I been as nervous as I was during the 4th quarter, and its only a football game. I've been through job interviews so stressful and nerve-wracking that some people break down and can't finish, I've been in heaps of trouble, and even dealth with (albeit minor) pregnancy scares. I am supposed to be super nervous about those things, but it was this game that had my adrenaline pumping the most, my heart beating the fastest (though I will say my heart was jumping out of my chest when I first met who is now my crazy-ass ex-girlfriend), my eyes watering, my hands trembling, and my knees buckling. Maybe it was like that because I was in the stadium. Who knows. Does anyone think this is a good sign?

In other news, I'm starting 2006 with women problems, but I'm gonna have fun resolving them this time. After all, I'm Chris, goddammit.

And before I forget, congratulations to Prayes and Sonali on their recent engagement!!

Haterade, part Deux

This may end up being a fairly long post, so get a glass of water and dig in.

On a bright, sunny, warm-weathered day here in Houston, Texas, I woke up from a decent sleep, although I was sweating a bit. With an unusual burst of morning energy, I hopped out of my bed, performed the normal morning tasks (teeth, hair, etc) and turned on my computer. Now, I normally go to three websites to start the day. I check e-mail then go to, in this order, cnn.com, abcnews.com, espn.com, and thefacebook.com. All was right in the world (no terrorist bombings, avalanches, murders, etc.) until I went to the facebook. I had a little message on the facebook this morning informing me that I, Chris, am an asshole. (For some reason, I am excited when I have mail on the facebook. I don't know why, I just do.)

I don't take that as a compliment. In fact I really, really do not like that someone thinks I am an asshole.

This post, faithful readers, is geared toward establishing myself as a non-jerk.

Ok, some of you may say there are varying degrees of asshole-ness. I disagree; either you are or you aren't. No one has ever said, "oh, he's ok, he's just a small asshole." Doesn't happen. So by showing some of the all time worst assholes, I hope to position myself as a non-asshole. So here goes:

Asshole #1: Andrea Yates - this crazy bitch killed her five children during the summer of 2001. Maybe we should call her a murderer. That would be more appropriate.

Asshole #2: Tom Leykis - I have never in my life heard someone so staunchly advocate taking advantage of women. This guy hates women, makes fun of them in every way possible, and has made it his life's mission to tell guys how to, as he says, "pump 'em and dump'em." Fuck that guy.

Asshole #3: The racist cop from the movie "Crash" - that guy was a total dick and made you want to break his jaw and rip his teeth out with pliers.

Asshole #4: Tom DeLay, former House Majority Leader - 'nuff said.

Asshole #5: Sean Taylor, safety, Washington Redskins - in his second incident, this guy spit in the face of an opponent in a game over the weekend. Stuff like that could spread disease. The asshole cap fits.

If any of you loyal readers feel I approach this type of behavior, the fine, call me an asshole. I seriously doubt any of you would come to that conclusion.

But hey, at least I've got 20,000 more airline miles am now OnePass Silver Elite for that trip to Madrid that I am never taking. I think I'll go to Barcelona instead and visit my A&M friend Petra, who is studying abroad.

In other news, Eric had his first experience in First Class on our Rose Bowl trip. I should have asked the stewardess to give him a pair of wings.

I am going to find a simple html-based survey I can put on this website. I'd like to get people's responses to various topics. Check back often for this.

Haterade On These Hoes

This post is not meant to hurt or offend women. It is not misogyny, because I don't hate women. I am writing this because I am feeling particuarly empowered right now. I also happen to be listening to the Tom Leykis show, which I discovered during my trip to LA. Houston stations don't play this guy, so I have to catch him online. That's besides the point.

I write this because I happen to find two of Tom's views pretty damn true. First, Tom says guys should never spend more than $40 on a date - EVER. The man is right. Guys, there really is no need to spend a lot on a date trying to get laid. A girl knows withing 7 seconds of meeting you whether she wants to have sex with you. Taking her out on an expensive-ass date won't change things. Seriously, don't waste your cash. Goodness knows we've all spent way too much in pursuit of what ends up being a fucking lousy piece of ass. As Tom says, 10 cent wings, dollar beers and a dollar movie is all you need. I don't think I'd take that particular route, but I understand Tom's point.

Second, Tom pontificates that guys should try to get women to pay for dates. I'd imagine most guys would agree with this, but too bad there aren't many women out there who are cool with it. If there are, please tell me. I would have absolutely no problem being taken out by a chick. None at all.

Tom also says that guys have absolutely nothing to gain from entering into relationships with girls. Personally, I'm not sure if I agree with that. Regardless, his show generates a ton of controversy and I will listen for a couple weeks or so before I get sick of this dude. You all should check it out.

Tex-an posted a comment knocking the University of Kansas fans. Apparently they were misbehaving at the Fort Worth Bowl. Kansas, don't get happy about this game. You got lucky. Your football team sucks. Your school sucks (a miserable #97 ranking among 110 schools ranked by US News). Your fans suck. And your girls are awful, awful in bed. Seriously, you should be able to slap a girl if she bites you while performing oral. But Ohio State girls are pretty fucking talented :) Hi Jenna!

Blow me up Tom!

Chappelle (not Rush) is Right

Until now, I have joked about Dave Chappelle's assertion that white people drink grape juice. But that mere assertion gained some traction in my mind during a flight from Toronto last week...

I'm sitting on the plane talking to a chick who also happened to sit next to me on the flight from Paris when the stewardess begins the beverage service. I order water, as does the girl next to me. In the row behind me sat a man in his 40s, white, upper-middle-class status. "Anything to drink for you, sir?," said the stewardess as I held my breath hoping this would be the moment of truth. Then I heard those magical words...

"I'll have some grape juice," the man said. I damn near shit a brick. A huge grin crept across my face as if I had just discovered the cure to cancer. Chappelle's theory had been validated.

Unfortunately, grape juice was not available so the man's second choice was apple juice, which almost made me shit a second brick. Regardless, it was a very funny moment.

The Holidays

Over the past two weeks I have taken some pretty cool trips. After Christmas, I went to Nice, France to vacation. Then I went to Los Angeles for the Rose Bowl. For those of you living on an island in the middle of nowhere, Texas won. Click on the embedded links for pictures from both excursions.

Random thoughts - December 2005

It's random thoughts time. I tend to do this once a month or so. I'll bounce around from topic to topic here.

I am slightly troubled because my blog has no topical focus. I know I "decided" back in August to talk about whatever, but I feel that there ought be a theme among my writings. It is tough for me to focus on one topic because my mind is thinking about 10 different things at once, but, as they teach at the Edgar Allen Poe Veterinary School of Journalism for Ravens at the University of Kansas, good journalists can focus on a singular subject and develop it well. Guess I'm a bad journalist...

I was completely and totally wrong in my assessment of the Fort Worth bowl being unwatchable. Indeed, I did watch it and enjoyed the, albeit surpring, offensive production of Kansas. I am saddened that Houston crumbled like it did. 42-13 was not the score I, or anyone else for that matter, expected. Congratulations Jayhawks, you played a stellar game. Houston, it'll have to wait till next year.

I still haven't bought most of my Christmas presents yet. I could have bought them today, but I spent a ton of time looking for a #10 Texas football jersey. As expected, it was no where to be found. I intend to buy everything tomorrow. And this year, I giving everyone exactly what they want: options. That's right, gift cards for all.

Finally, I am sick of ESPN college football analysts Kirk Herbstreit and Mark May. I have completely lost respect for these guy's work over the past week. I am convinced USC pays them to say some of the baseless, stupid shit on TV right now. Mark May, for example, says 2005 USC would beat the 1997 Michigan team 49-14 (5 touchdowns) if they played. That Michigan team allowed a total of 5 passing touchdowns all season and beat 7 top 25 teams, including 2 top 10 teams. That team led the nation in takeaways. Mark, are you fucking retarded? 5 touchdowns?!? If this crew says USC could beat 2001 Miami, I am going to blow a gasket. What's worse is that the entire nation is also voting on this shit, and they're all saying USC would win these games. We live in a nation full of idiots. On a lighter note, some fans are joking about the massive cosmic powerhouse that ESPN is making USC out to be. Some have suggested had USC teamed with Poland, the German invasion would have been stopped. Still others would like to see 2005 USC vs Julius Caesar's 58 B.C. Roman army. Kirk and Mark are still taking USC. Take the Trojan cock out of your mouths guys. It's getting ridiculous.

Merry Christmas everyone! Let's all make 2006 better than 2005. I know I will.

Fuck Your Couch!

The title of this entry is largely unrelated to the post. I am here to bitch about the ridiculous amount of press coverage USC is getting right now. Specifically, I am referring to the four whole minutes ESPN is devoting to SportsCenter attempting to place this year's USC team among the great ones in history. Now, I have no problem talking about it in the abstract. USC is no doubt a great team. Hell, I wouldn't even have much of a problem putting a little poll on the web and having the public vote. But to have Kirk Herbstreit and Mark May spend part of their day trying to figure out who would win between USC and (tonight's contender, for example) the 1991 Washington Huskies is excessive.

I hate this shit. For the past two years, we've talked about Oklahoma's place in history, as their past two teams have put up huge offensive numbers (Jason White - 40 touchdowns in 2003), but the media didn't cut into its on-air prime time to debate this topic.

Why the fuck does USC get so much goddamn coverage?!? And why is it all so desperately positive? I'm starting to think it's because they are from LA, a glamorous, sexy town that loves superstars. Think ESPN would shack up in Norman for two weeks to do a show about the Sooners' place in history? I think not.

I realize that Leinart and Bush are Heisman trophy winners. They are stellar players, play on a great team, and are enjoying a great run. But I would like to see the media treat them like the mortal humans they are, not eternal deities. Seriously, this team receives more press than the damn Colts. And it's as if Pete Carroll can do no wrong if you give him three weeks to prepare for something. Maybe we should give Pete Carroll three weeks to devise a plan to defeat the terrorists in the Middle East.

Some of you USC supporters/fuckers may think I'm jealous. Maybe I am. I'm just pissed off that the media has already voted USC national champion two weeks before the game is to be played. So let's save the great debate until after the game.

I am reminded through all of this of a lesson I learned as a little kid. That lesson is that everyone has a weakness. Indeed, it's hard to find one in USC, but one exists. Someone or some team that experiences tremendous success begins to believe that they can't be beat. So I hope SC reads the press and believes all this shit.

I hope all this press makes our players ultra motivated to beat these fuckers. Reggie Bush's dumb ass already called this game "like a home game." I implore all the Texas fans to show up early, show these USC folk how we do it down south, and cheer our team to victory. I was really pissed off at Ohio State because fans were talking so much shit, and extremely happy when we won the game. I am even more pissed off now. It is not an option anymore, we must win this game.

Finally, if you read this and you're from LA...I need some bars/clubs to go to, so hook me up. I hear The Belmont is hot right now.

Going Pro

After a long, hard discussion with my family, friends, and of course my church pastor I am here to announce that Chris Sybille has made it his intention to pursue a professional football career with the NFL. That's right bitches, I am declaring for the 2006 NFL draft. I have contacted the NFLPA (NFL Players Association) for full details. My declaration will be made official this week. Since I didn't play collegiate football at the University of Texas, or any other level of organized football for that matter, I'm going to make my tryout tape tomorrow during the Stella Link Flag Football Classic. Stay tuned for more information. I will also try to post the video on the web for all the world to see that I am better than Reggie Bush. I just need to grow 5 inches and put on 60 lbs.

In other news, Jeremy is up for an Emmy, or a rodeo award. Dude, I told you that girl was big. But at least you held on for 8 seconds....hahaha

End of a Dynasty

Amid an otherwise wonderful evening celebrating Logan's 25 years of service on this planet (thanks Phil), I was apprised of a tragedy. As six of us made our way through downtown, we happened upon my once-favorite place, club 410, and found that, well, it sucked. Everything had changed. The bartenders were all different, it wasnt crowded at all, the people who were there were a little weird. I was sad. 410 was the spot for me when I first moved here. It was where I went the night of the Super Bowl to party. I had some good times. I even talked to the owner one night about buying a portion of the equity in the place - an investment of sorts. But on this night it was empty. Perhaps it was because of the weather (40 degrees or lower), or perhaps it was because the place really sucked. I dunno. Anyway, my friend Beth works somewhere else now, as do most of the other bartenders. They don't do lingerie nights frequently anymore, which sucks. And the swing hardly gets anymore use. Oh well. I just need to find another "spot" to get my dance on, another bartender to hook me up with drinks, and all will be right in the world again. Tomorrow I am going to the Texans game, to watch is lose to the Arizona Cardinals, but then we are playing flag football afterwards :-) Then I will hopefully go out to a party which will conclude a sweet 25th birthday weekend. Happy Birthday Logan, may this 25th year be the best of all!

The Best Wurst

The title is a double entendre (I have no idea how to spell that word). It is the name of a bratwurst stand on 6th street and is also the main idea of the posting today. I am here to discuss what I think are the best and worst bowl games of this holiday season. Apologies to those who I have hurt and peed on by slamming your schools (Phil, Matt, Les, etc.)

These are my two best games of the bowl season:

#1 Best: The Rose Bowl - Texas vs USC: This is basically a no-brainer. SC has the longest winning streak in the country. Texas has the second longest streak. Combined these teams have won 53 conescutive games. All three Heisman finalists (a.k.a the three best players in the country) will be on the field. Texas and USC combined will have more All-Americans on the field than will any other bowl game this season. Need I say more.

#2 Best: The Peach Bowl - Miami vs LSU: Most would agree that this could have been a Sugar Bowl or Orange Bowl matchup. If LSU doesn't get clobbered by UGA and Miami doesn't fuck around and lose to Georgia Tech and goes on to beat V-Tech again in the ACC championship, this game would be paying out $28 million instead of $6 mil. Both teams have impressive offenses (yes, Miami can score points). This should be a great defensive battle, as both teams are in the top 5 nationally in total defense.

These are my two worst games of the bowl season:

#2 Worst: The Champs Sports Bowl - Clemson vs Colorado: I don't need to say much about Colorado. They were outscores 100-6 over their last two games and will not be with their head coach, who was fired shortly after the Texas massacre. The team is slumping and has no need to show up for this. Clemson is playing with a hurt QB and underachieved this season. However, they come into this game riding a 3-game winning streak. This could get ugly for CU really fast. Luckily, I won't be watching.

#1 Worst game of the bowl season: The Fort Worth Bowl - Houston vs Kansas: My apologies to those who root for these schools. I'm sure you'll disagree. Both of these schools come into the game with 6-5 records, bowl eligible only because they had wins over 1-AA schools. This should be called the Fort Worthless bowl. Houston should be motivated to beat a Big 12 school, but Kansas simply has no offense. This should be boring.

Zero Tolerance Policy

If ever I experienced proof that my post-college drinking tolerance has significantly decreased, it was this evening. After a long day of doing basically nothing, I looked forward to joining my friend Jenni at Los Cacos for $1 margaritas on Tuesdays. That's when it got ugly. I kept up with her for the first one. She quickly downed her second and proceeded to begin sipping her third while I was midway through my second. I finally made it to my third when she began her fourth. I only got 1/3 of the way through my third 'rita when I had to throw in the towel. The delicious spinach enchiladas I enjoyed along the way were crowding out space in my stomach. Jenni kept on trucking and downed her fifth. I was impressed. And a little embarassed. Seriously, when was the last time I was outdrank by 66% (her 5 to my 3, 5/3 = 1.66667)? The answer- only once, during a ragingly alcoholic trip I took to New Orleans when I was a sophomore at UT. I attempted to keep up with three guys who averaged 6'4 and 200 lbs. I was way in over my head.

So, I have concluded I have no tolerance, and since I need something on which to focus my energies these days, I have decided to cross train for drinking. I am going to have a liver expansion surgery as well as a stomach expansion. The result of both procedures should bode well for my prospects of never being outdrank like that again. My threshold is 10%. 66% is a bit much.

In other news, I went to the store and bought some grape juice today. The funny part is that I only remembered to get one of the items I actually went there for. I also forgot my digital camera at home, so I was unable to get a picture of some 2005 grape drink. Not to worry, faithful readers, I will post a pic soon.

And finally, I received word that the Rose Bowl tickets have arrived. I am the luckiest fan alive. I will have attended, for free, two of the biggest games this season. I don't really care now that I paid $275 for that Ohio State ticket. I will have attended 6 games this year, and gone to 3 of them (including Oklahoma and USC) free of charge. I am lucky. Very, very, very, very lucky. Or is it that I am well-connected, like the spider who rules the jungle?

Trojans are too small for Longhorns, bitches.

Skeet, skeet, skeet all over USC.

The Wave - LG

Since mid-August when I took that trip to Vegas, I have been riding a wave the likes which man has never seen before.  (try that again using the voice from Star Trek.) The ball has bounced my way ever since.  The last time my life hit a wave like this I was carried on the shoulders of my friends from the circle at center court to the stands at the feet my teary eyed parents. 

 

In October I witnessed the world series in texas for the first time.  I saw UT pound Tech for 30 bucks a seat.  I later found a ticket to Kyle Field for 40 bones the night before the game.  Paid 50 for a field level 10 yard line seat last weekend at the Big 12 Championship.  The Longhorns have sucessfully finished the railroad to the national championship game.  My basketball team is ranked #2, and whats this?  The seahawks have already secured a spot in the playoffs?  The seabags?  My favorite team since the days of Steve Largent.  This team has never been to the super bowl, never had home field advantage in the playoffs, and havent won a playoff game since the early 80s.  Not to mention the personal satisfaction I got out of watching the 'bags beat the expletive out of Philly on Monday Night Football.  What happens if none of these teams wins in the end?  Nothing!  The point here is that I'm loving every minute of having these opportunities to live vicariously through the athletes I support. 

 

Here's a notice to basketball fans:  The Houston Cougars are tough.  Saturday after the football game, I sat, for free, third row baseline, even with the baseline, to see the Cougars run over Arizona before the fans rushed the court.  It was amazing.  From the stands i had the priviledge of watching what I had done four years before.  I speak of the first 'court crash' in Longhorn history, the game versus Iowa State where I sat in a folding chair underneath the goal.  A seat which I camped out for before UT cracked the top 25.  Just watching the cougars do the same was a treat that I will cherrish.

 

In other news!  My 22 years young brother, soon to be graduate of texas tech, has proposed to his girlfriend of nearly 4 years.  He asked her the day tech slipped past oklahoma.  And no! He did not propose AT the game.  Fortunately her father taped the event, and upon further review she did say yes.  So congratulations bro!  May your love be true.

 

we're taking over this town.... .... lets go one more time around

 

Not Your Daily Vitamin

Roses Really Smell Like Bevo

The cowboys from hell are strutting into the City of Angels, and we're gonna turn it into a Texas-sized football party! Let's review the season checklist:

• Win the opener: Check!
• Beat Oklahoma: Check!
• Beat A&M: Check!
• Win the division: Check!
• Win the conference title: Triple Check!
• Win the national title: Coming January 4th...

The invitation to the Rose Bowl came moments after an industrial strength ass whooping that Texas laid down on Colorado to the tune of 70-3. I've seen Texas score 69 points, but 70 is a new high. I loved it. And the best part is that Vince didn't have a super stellar game. He was effective, threw for 3 td's, and was out of the game in the middle of the 3rd quarter. When it was all over, I was clutching roses, singing the Eyes of Texas, and planning for my second California bowling trip (in 2003 I went to the Holiday Bowl).

Well, two years later, I am going back to Cali, and I will still be fantastically well (or is it better than spectacular?). Logan will sport a bandana because Logan sports bandanas. Eric will find the secret 3-second route to the stadium because he's smarter than the GPS. And me, I'm just gonna drink some grape juice because Chris drinks grape juice...and beer.

I believe it is these moments that make life fun. College football history will be made regardless of the outcome of this game. Now I need a Michael Huff jersey and some jokes about USC...

Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!

It turns out that my suspicions were true; the cookie monster really was on crack all this time! SO funny. Thanks for the image Peyman!

Random thoughts - November 2005

I ask you all not to think I am a total weirdo, but I must make a few comments.

I was sitting at a bar with my good friend Rabeea the other day when she asked me how I liked Europe. Among many other things, I told her I thought Europe was cool because the electrical outlets were powered to 240 volts. Our US outlets are 115 volts. That means you get over twice the power from a European outlet. Imagine the possibilities. Water would boil in like 2 minutes, a 30 minute meal would take 14 minutes and 23 seconds. I was blown away. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor would be in love. She laughed, but oh well. 240 volts is fucking awesome.

This weekend is the Big XII Championship. Texas plays a struggling Colorado team here in Houston at the magnificent Reliant Stadium. My good friend Eric is trucking in from Austin for the game, and it should be a good weekend. Texas should dismantle Colorado and head to Pasadena for the 2006 Rose Bowl. I will travel to southern California with Eric, Logan, and Eric's father for that game, which promises to be unforgettable, regardless of the outcome. But I know we will win because USC has a shitty defense. My only concern is covering Dwayne Jarrett. Cedric Griffin got lit up last year covering Braylon Edwards. Hopefully our coaches will come up with a game plan to slow Jarrett down.

Finally, for those of you who were wondering, I am still drinking grape juice, as opposed to grape drink, because, as Dave Chapelle eloquently says about grape drink, "aint't no vitamins in that shit..." And yes, Fade to Pink, I still want some apple drink...it's green!

Europe Trip

This is gonna be real short. A few weeks ago I went to Europe. I had not been off the continent of North America in my entire left, so this was cool. I went to the cities of London and Paris. Both were a damn good time. Although, just as I thought, there is no blue sky in Europe. At all. It's just like New York. But I liked the money. Great Britain has coins for currency and the paper notes start at £5 (approx $10). I think that is fucking awesome. The same goes for euros. There are coins for up to €2 (approx $3.50). For those of you who have never been, London is expensive as hell, but a good time. And they say stuff like "fantasically gay wizard" to describe an enjoyable experience (good party, dinner, etc) someone has. And everyone laughed when I said I was from Sugarland. But they love that I'm from Texas. And I think I managed to convince James's friend Abby that I rode a horse 30 miles to the airport and parked him in a barn.

One final thought, this time about Paris. Paris is a very nice city with some odd shit. First, they have these glorified go-karts called "smart cars" which I recently learned are made by Mercedes-Benz. You can see one in my Europe pictures. I definitely see the need, as parking space is limited (as is the case in most European cities I think), but I can't see how you could fit a ton of groceries in that thing. Second, French wine is fucking delicious, it is served in moderate portions in restaurants (roughly 75cl, or centiliters), and is really cheap. I'm trying to find it here in the US.

At the end, I was happy to get back to the good ole USA. I'm just about done with grad school applications, which makes me happy.

It's a Celebration, Bitches!

I'm four weeks late on this, but it's better late than never. So here goes...

Halloween is always the time for us adults to pretend to be someone we're not, and somehow it's fun. Anyway, I had the privilege to attend my good friends William's and his brother Wryan's halloween party. William and Wryan are two good friends I have from back in New Orleans. I've known William basically since I was born. Literally. Like I met the doctor who delivered me, then my parents, then my brother, then William. Like many others, he and some friends have relocated to Houston in the wake of the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

The party was a good deal of fun; tons of food (some good-ass meatballs), lots of drinks, and good company. I, in typical halloween style, didn't put much energy into my costume, so I threw on my "Vote for Pedro" t-shirt and pretended to be Pedro's campaign manager (please don't laugh). William and Wryan dressed in garb resembling the characters from the 1995 movie thriller Dead Presidents.

On the way, the two stopped to get ice from a local convenience store (mind you, they were dressed up, as it was Halloween night). They grab two bags, then go to check out. The clerk looks at them and asks if the two bags is all they need. William jokingly says "yea, two bags of ice and, umm...everything in the register." The clerk shit his pants. They started chuckling, paid for the ice and left. I would have loved to see that. That shit is funny.

Anyway, it was an awesome time and can't wait till the next get-together.

The Crew - LG

This one is dedicated to the Crew, the two fine young gentlemen that bought my freedom with their sweat and understanding.

Several weeks ago, I made the trip to Austin to see Texas slug Tech while rubbing it in my red raider brother's face. The weekend was great. One more weekend partying it up in the A,TX. Saturday night after the game I received a text from someone on my short list. These simple words would cause me grief for the following week. "Hope you've had a great day today" BLASPHEMY!! The first thing three things that came to my mind as a reply were not the sort to be repeated, so I tried to move on. Sure, don't let it bother me. I tried. Brainwaves still not fully functional at this time, and that was d-day. Key Word: WAS.

Two weeks later on Friday morning, I received a little instant message that says 'morning'. Just 'morning' but thats not the point. The point is who sent me this message. Guess. Instantly I signed off, I dont need this. Last time I got a message, I spent a week with a twister in my head. Five minutes later, I knew it was time. Since July, I have had no desire to see nor speak to this vile creature that would do me this way. Therefore, the table and chairs my parents gave me were still adorning Stacie's apartment. The time is here. I must cut those last strings keeping me connected.

After finally getting a time fixed when I could retrieve my table, I had to find a truck on short, short notice. Michael Gutierrez was more than willing to take some time away from his wife to lend me a hand on 3 hours notice. My other partner would be Jeremy Robertson, a long-time friend and cross country foe. (For privacy reasons I'm not going to say a whole lot about the difficulties I had getting a time when I could go over to her place or my opinions on her specifically through this recount of the proceedings.) As soon as the door opened, we were all business. "hello" walk straight for a chair and out to the truck. The Crew followed taking all four chairs down from the 3rd floor apartment. Upon returning to the apartment, we went straight for the table. Now, I would have carried the table. I promise you. I would have carried the table. But, Michael and Worm were gracious enough to do the heavy lifting for me. With the table on the breezeway, I turned, for what I hope is the last time, to the one who had my heart for so long. As she sat on the sofa and motioned good-bye, I told her what I had to say. I have all my pieces, there is no more reason for you to contact me, messege me, text me. This is it. Of course she thinks not replying to me while I seek to grab my table is what I mean. I reminded her of the two 'contacts' mentioned above and turned to walk. As my feet hit the breezeway, both locks turned behind me, thus closing the book on that chapter of my life. Regrets? .... I dont live to regret.

As for my blog, this is the last post on the subject. I've enjoyed taking the time to write out my thoughts and have learned from these expressions, but now its time for me to set aside these thoughts. I've decided that the remaining ill effects of this experience are not noteworthy as things just seem to repeat and I feel that the usefulness of this has run its course. That said, I'll have to figure out what else to write about.

...and don't you know / its a beautiful new day. (hint: E.L.O! I'll be suprised if someone not in my immediate circle knows this one.)