Mixed Emotions
A little history here. I met Les in the fall of 2001. I was an RA in the brand spanking new San Jacinto dormitory and she happened to be a resident. I liked her from the start. Don't know what it was, but I just liked her alot. It's almost a full 4 years later, and I still really feel the same way. I think about this girl a lot every day, but something has seemed to change recently...
I'm known to all my friends as someone who is always in control of his emotions. I rarely get visually flustered or openly frustrated. To be cliche, I am calm, cool, and collected. I'm always the person that tries to diffuse a tense situation. This isn't to say that I always avoid conflict, but I would rather disable a bomb than see it explode.
Perhaps it is because I've left investment banking and don't work now that I think about my relationship a lot, probably more than what is healthy. But part of me has actually started to get angry at Leslie. Even though I genuinely want to be very good friends with her, I get these extreme bursts of anger that make me want to hate her. I don't know what to do about that. One can see how this is frustrating. I want to know if this is normal. How in the world could I want to hate someone who I have liked or loved every day for the past 4 years? That can't be normal, can it?
I'm glad I dated this girl. I feel that I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to serious relationships. I'd dated girls before, but none of them were serious at all. Stupid, stupid relationships. I consider, therefore, Leslie to be the first girl I fell in love with - my first love fi you will. But inevitably I have to ask myself if dating her was a good decision or not. Despite the amount of heartache I have experienced recently, I have to say I am glad to have been with her. I liked getting her random gifts "just because." I liked going through airport security because it meant I would see Les shortly thereafter. I didn't mind being tired at work one morning because it meant I had a wonderfully long conversation with Les the night before. I didn't care that many friends spoke out against dating her because she was so far away. It was worth it. Every minute, every airline mile, every movie, every dinner, every trip, every shopping excursion, every evening stayed in, every mobile-to-mobile call, every piece of jewelry, every bouquet of flowers, everything. I grew emotionally and matured as a person. Some philosopher said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
I have come to believe this.
4 comments:
Hey Chris,
It's TOTALLY normal to feel hate, but it's not real hatred, it's pain at its best defensive position. Eventually, the hate goes away (trust me, though it may take a while). Any relationship that meant something is worth it, it becomes a part of who you are and loving someone, no matter what the outcome, can never be a mistake. So feel hate, it'll pass, but it sure helps in the meantime. And boys, I'm glad you've decided to edge away from the whole "we're assholes who want to have sex with tons of random girls" thing- it was NOT cute. This is much better, ta ta for now.
~Angela (AGAIN...what have I come to?)
O, uh...chris did you change your mind on wanting to have a lot of sex? Me neither! Look, heartache does weird things to a man, and the way we express ourselves during the rough times is what you would call 'being an asshole'. A man's emotions are as volitile as a womans. How we express those emotions are different. but thank you, thank you, thank you for your comments, b/c assholes need to be kept in check.
I'm not saying having lots of sex makes you an asshole (do whatever you want, sex is great), I'm saying not letting those girls know it's just sex and then keeping track on a website is "not cute".
You are completly correct. Leading a woman on to have sex is not cool. Spreading it over the net is even worse, but Chris and I have talked that over and agree. We both appreciate your opinions and actually use them to better ourselves.
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