Myspace & Fruit Stripes

Three weeks ago my friend Staci turned me on to yet another online social network. It's called MySpace and it's large. Whereas you need to be in college or high school in order to join MySpace's chief competitor, TheFacebook, anyone and everyone is eligible to join MySpace. As you might imagine, some shady shit goes down over this site. Whether is completely random people sending you messages or the shadiest guys writing provocative comments on girls' pages, anything and everything is allowed on here. A local news team even uncovered a drug trafficing ring that was partially operated by communication through MySpace. Yes, people make drug trafficing plans through this site. Since I'm not being paid by this site to advertise, I'll stop the plug, but y'all need to check it out.

When I was a little kid, my favourite type of gum was a type called Fruit Stripes. It had the colorful zebra on the package. Today, I found a pack of Fruit Stripes, and a single tear ran down my face because I became so emotional. This gum has little temporary tattoos on each wrapper. It's off the hook.

Texas barely escaped Kansas State tonight. I'm worried.

You Thought Ninjas Were Asian...

Everyone, thank Mike Dynamo for this...this is the funniest thing I have read in a while. These are apparently true facts (redundancy, I know) about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Rather than being born like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Everyday's the 14th

I haven't posted anything relevant or impactful in a long time...and this time is no different. First, I want to wish everyone a very happy Valentine's Day (actually its 1:21am on the 15th, so I hope everyone had a good holiday). Guys, I hope you showed your girl how much you love her. You should do that each day, but especially this day. Girls, if your man was strapped for cash, I hope you took the reins and made it a special day for the two of you. For my part, since I didn't have a valentine this year (sadness), I did what I thought was most appropriate: I drank. Yea, I went out with my friend Heather to a bar, had a couple Jaeger bombs and beers, and just chilled out.

In other news, Logan and I need basketball tickets to the UT vs Kansas game on Feb 25th. I have a burning desire to destroy Kansas this year since they embarassed us 90-65 last year. I also hate the university of kansas in general (almost as much as I hate oklahoma), so I really want to beat their asses. FUCK KANSAS, dammit! Logan and I will be making the trip to lovely Austin, Texas that weekend, so clear your schedules, bitches! There's a few Jaegar bombs with your names on them.

Ok, so last Saturday I meet this girl at a bar. Her name's Jayme. She seemed cool, although she started a conversation with me by butting into a conversation I was already having, but I didn't care. I call her yesterday, she calls me back. I'm tryin to hang out with this girl, but she keeps dodging it, talking about she has a lot of school shit. She says she even stays in a lot on the weekends...

...faithful readers, how should I read this? My initial reaction is to assume she's blowing me off, but maybe she really does have a ton of school shit (she's studying to be a nurse, and has to do classwork, clinical rotations, etc). Then again, who studies consistently on Friday and Saturday nights? I mean, what gives?

Anyway, I this weekend is All-Star weekend, and it will be nearly impossible to get into a good club because a ton of celebs are having parties. Why the fuck am I not famous? Seriously, has anyone seen me lately? My face (and newfound facial hair pattern) screams celebrity...

Take care everyone,
-Chris

Model Citizen

Always one to expand my social horizons, I entertained Jenni tonight at the newfound restaurant Casa Ole, which sucked balls, and the Surf Shack, which is arguably the most ghetto club in Houston.

For months I have wanted to go to Surf Shack, and tonight the dream finally came true. I rolled in dressed like a slob, paid a fucking $5 cover charge (yes, this place charges cover on a fucking Wednesday night), and headed to the bar. After the opening round of drinks, we circled the place, checking out the crowd and soaking in the ambiance, or maybe it was the heavy amouts of cigarette and weed smoke. Anyhow, there was some cool music jamming, but since Jenni doesn't dance yet, I didn't really dance a lot. The crowd was really, really young (tonight was 18+) and a tad bit on the "urban" side, but I liked it. Alot. I'm going back very soon.

In other news, this evening I officially became a Premiere Promotions model. That's right bitches, your man is gonna sell some shit with his body. This should be cool. I'll distribute my bio complete with pictures (unairbrushed) as soon as it becomes available.

Finally, I need a drinking date for next Tuesday (yes, Valentine's Day). We'll listen to Outkast, get wasted, and see where the evening goes from there. Call 5-785-4277 to apply! Females preferred.

The Beautiful Women of 308

In what was, to date, the most amazing weekend of 2006, I traveled once again to the Ohio State University for a party.

A fucking amazing party.

Yep, it was my cousin Drew's 19th birthday, and her lovely roomates threw her a great party. I'm talking 3 kegs, leis for everyone, at least 200 people, amazing music, decent girls, people dancing all over the place, and, of course, 8 to 12 fights (the actual number is still being confirmed). For all of its craziness, it was appropriately named Drewza-Palooza, after the blowout party on the movie "Old School."

This was the kind of party that literally defines the American college social experience. When it was all said and done, the party transcended the hype, it exceeded the expectations, and in doing so it redefined and reset the standard of a great party experience.

Quite simply, this was the stuff of legends.

I must admit I was a little skeptical of going to another college party with Natural Light kegs (yuck) and frat-tacular guys with their dirty-ass hats, North Face fleeces, and Abercrombie jeans. I didn't like it at Texas and honestly still don't like it now. But everyone was cool, really cool in fact. I really enjoyed it.

I have to pause here to give general shout outs to this crew. These girls are by far the most entertaining group of sophomore girls I have ever met. Cellini, KP, Bird, and of course, Drewza, y'all are awesome and I really, really cannot wait to see all of you again. KP, you've got a hell of a standard to live up to for your 21st.