She's An Investment Banker...

It's 2:56am. I smell like a perfect mix of smoke, Chanel perfume, and alcohol, otherwise known as a typical night in Midtown. My head hurts. My ears are ringing. I'm chugging water and wishing the clubs were open till 4. But all is well, at least for this night, because I have converted two followers into Midtown-lovers. That's right, Logan & Eden love this place. It took me over a year to convince the first member of 10106 Bassoon that Midtown is the shit. And tonight, I have two people.

Allow me to briefly explain. Shortly after moving home from wonderful NYC, I discovered club 410, which I thought was amazing. Well, 410 sucks now so I had to find a new place. Two weeks ago, I found it. It's called Hue and it is 0.3 miles from my place. And it's fucking baddass. The place plays the greatest mix of music ever, catering to all audiences. The crowd looks great, and there's no cover. The drinks are expensive as shit (tonight I spent $135, mainly because we got 10 Jager Bombs @ $9 each) but the atmosphere makes up for it.

Since I discovered Logan's "white-boys-can-dance" groove in Vegas, I figured he'd like it. Our acquaintence, Eden, who looks exactly like Uma Thurman (damn, girl, you need to call me more often), loves to dance, so this was the perfect place. The place rocked.

When we first walk in, we begin the evening with the near-ceremonial partaking of the first Jaeger Bomb. I will suggest for the next 10 years that we toast to Texas winning the National Championship. So we toast, slam, and order the next round. Along the way, we notice this chick next to us. She was white, brown hair, about 5'2, probably 105. Bangin' Come to find out, she, and her fine ass blonde friend who had a boyfriend, went to Georgia Tech, and the girl is an investment banker. Chris was a banker. Chris knows the life. Unfortunately, the timing of this was way too late and she peaced out before we could really talk to her. However, as she was dancing, Logan astutely pointed out that half the girl's right nipple was showing. So, I tried to Jedi-mind trick this girls' nipple into full exposing itself. The girl had A cups (and a very miracle push-up bra), so it wouldn't have been anything magical, but cool nonetheless. My Jedi-mind trick didn't work. Oh well.

I was really pissed off that I didn't learn she was a banker until late in the evening. I would have played that shit off perfectly. Would have been in like Flint. So now, like the European chick, I'm gonna have to back-door this shit. I know she works at CSFB, and I know like 5 people there. I also still know people at JPM. So I'll just work the connects and see where it takes me.

Tomorrow I am going to my friend Karen's birthday party. Karen is married to my friend Mike, and I finally get to see their house. I'm really excited. They have such a great marriage, I'm almost jealous.

Next week I am headed to the East Coast Throwdown at The Ohio State University. My cousin is turning the big 19 (insert jokes about a 24 year old partying with 19 and 20 year old girls). Happy Birthday Drew! I still hate your football team.

Riders of the Storm - LG

As if my Longhorns winning the Rose Bowl and National Championship wasn't enough. As if watching the Rose Bowl from the stands in a seat I received for free wasn't enough. As if seeing the Seahawks win a playoff game wasn't enough. Last night I sat and watched the Seahawks in the NFC Championship game, my favorite NFL team from a city I have no connection with, a team that went 2-14 in 1992 (yes I'm still a fan), a team that has made the playoffs a total of 4 times in the past 15 years and only had a chance in the final two weeks of the season on two other occasions. The Seabags are now headed to the SUPER BOWL!

The title of this post is Riders of the Storm, a tribute to the Doors. Keep on Ridin, ridin, got to keep on ridin ridin. Thats right! The wave didnt crest in LA! The wave didnt crest when UT walked into Memphis nor did it crest when Villanova came to town. The wave didnt crest last weekend when a lady I had met in Longview after Christmas decided to drive two hours and spend an evening with me! I, sir, am a lucky man. The wave didnt crest when I witnessed the Seabags win their first playoff game since 1984 (I was not old enough to remember that victory!) And the wave didnt disappear on my first business trip I took last week to Phoenix. The flight out of Houston was delayed from 9:10 PM till 11, or that is the time we finally made it off the ground. No! In fact, the wave picked up more steam in Phoenix. I covered old memories with new ones in parts of town I had only been once before. I drove around an unfamiliar city in an Impala rapping to myself "Wanna be a balla, shot calla, twenty inch blades on the impala" Picture me rollin'. Like how I'm living?

When you're on a roll, you're on a roll. I'm on a serious roll, and the wave I've been riding could have only been created by a storm, a nasty, earth shattering, dramatizing storm. Next time you see one brewing, pull up your boot straps, buckle your seatbelt, strap on your helmet, lace your dancing shoes. Get ready to ride one out. Riders of the Storm! That which does not kill you only makes you stronger. I'm not saying the wave carrying you out of your storm will be as high as the one I'm riding. Yours might even be better, but know this. After every storm is peace. The weather clears. The clouds evaporate. The wind dies down. The temperature evens out. Never give in to depression during a storm. Life around the bend will make your trials and tribulations worth the agony.

maybe I just want to fly / I want to live I don't want to die / maybe I just want to breathe / maybe I just don't believe

Do You Drive...Stick?

This is my next car. Many of you say, "yeah, right." But then you realize who's getting it and you say, "right on, brother."



It's the BMW 6-series and I added the sport package option, hence the sweet-ass 19" rims.

Get Your Tan On

Based on a dream I had last night (and, of course, after a long conversation with my family, friends, and church pastor), I have decided to travel to St. Lucia this summer. I don't know exactly when I am going, but I don't want to go for my birthday. That said, it will have to be either during the month of June or during the first three weeks of July. I will figure out the dates by the end of March and will let y'all know. Anyone who reads this is more than welcome to come along, as it is sure to be a blast. Seriously, if you've ever been to the Virgin Islands, you know what I'm talking about. The place is amazing.

For those of you interested, just e-mail me and I can get you estimates on air travel, hotel, et cetera. Serious inquiries only.

The Power of the Mallow

First, I want to thank everyone for weighing in so heavily on my TV in the bedroom post. Apparently people want to talk about marriage on this site. Sorry. Not doing that until I am 29.

Second, I want to give MAJOR shouts out to my friends Samantha and Anica, who I have gone to dinner with the past two nights and who both PAID FOR ME!!!! Holy shit, I never thought I would see the day, much less two in a row. 2006 is the year Chris gets girls to pay for him. Not because I'm cheap (if you know me, you know I am light years from cheap), but because I just figure I have it coming to me. [Aside: I developed a policy in Fall 2001 that if I ever went out with 1 girl that I would pay for everything, and if it were two or more that I wouldn't. It's screwed me for 5 years.]

Third, and I know I am going to get in MAJOR trouble among you female readers, but I had a fantasy today. If I happen to "get lucky" again in 2006, I kinda want the girl to wear a Texas Longhorns football helmet during the "session." Is this weird?

I Hate You

An Italian sexologist did a study and concluded that having a TV in the bedroom cuts your sex life in half. I was floored. The study says that the married couples surveyed that did not have a TV had sex 8 times a month, while couples with a TV had sex 4 times a month. Are you fucking serious? 4 times a month?!? And this is among the under-50 crowd! Over 50 drops to 1.5 times per month for couples with TVs.

Is this seriously what people have to look forward to in a marriage? I hear from my married friends (guys mostly) that there's a substantial drop-off in activity once you slip those rocks onto a girl's finger. But I don't understand why that is.

Granted, I am well aware that there is a whole lot more to marriage than sex. Tons more. I would even go so far as to say that sex isn't in the top 2 priorities in a marriage (holy shit, did Chris really just say that?). But the 35-year old mind in my 24-year old body cannot comprehend "being intimate" with your spouse a mere two times a week. That's completely ridiculous.

Now, I will say this. What if you and your partners watched erotic shows on your TV? I bet that would increase your sex life. And then, what if you put a fish tank in your bedroom? Well, that might just freak her out (this is an inside joke to 2 people). But I would argue that the mere presence of a TV is probably not the cause of the decline. Maybe the Italian guys were just really hairy and their wives just weren't attracted to them anymore. There must be other reasons for the drop-off. This Italian study is flawed.

Logan and I have decided to start our own consulting firm. I am working on the incorporation papers this week, and TDD, Inc. will formally launch operations on February 1st. We will service individuals and small groups.

Trimming the Fat

Every so often I will go through my cell phone and delete people that I haven't spoken to in a long time, or who I can't remember, or who I never wish to speak to again, or some combination thereof. If I ever needed to speak to them again, I couldn't do it because I probably didn't memorize their number. Last night I deleted like 15 names, then realized I probably wanted to keep one but didn't know the number. Does anyone else do this?

Does anyone agree with levying a larger tax on fast food (a.k.a. the Fat Tax) to discourage its consumption?

I want people to stay on this site longer. Yes, I track visit lengths. I know people check daily for key words, implicit insults, etc, but stay a while, read, vote in my poll (bottom of the page), and leave some remarks. Below is a sample of nerdy shit I like to look at (January 17th only).

Question

You can get a Big Mac for a dollar.

If I'm going out on a date, and the girl asks how she looks, can I tell her she looks like a million Big Macs? I mean, that's the same as telling her she looks like a million dollars, right?

Leave some comments, bitches. I'll write more in the morning.

Writer's Block

I've been staring at my screen for a full 20 minutes thinking about what to write. This is guaranteed to suck, so stop while you're ahead. But you won't because you like what I write. Admit it, you love this.

I suppose I could first say happy Martin Luther King, Jr day to everyone. Watch the parade, engage in some good discussion, barbeque, etc, to commemorate the holiday. Like those of Rosa Parks, I am thankful for Dr. King's actions so I could grow up in a better society. And I'd imagine many others are thankful as well.

I think talking about grape juice is getting me somewhere. Saturday night I met this girl whose last name is Chappelle. I think I'm in love. Not really, but it was kinda cool.

So a while back (during Hurricane Rita, way before I discovered Tom Leykis) I went out with this girl. We go to Tex-a-delphia, then to a movie, and then hook up at her place. Naturally, I paid for the food and movie (and kept it under $40), which got me to thinking: Is it right for guys to expect sex from spending money on girls? I won't share my view for fear of backlash from both sides of the debate, but if you really know me then you know how I feel. Anyway, that's the subject of this week's poll. Please take the time to scroll down and vote.

Congratulations to Logan for his victory over the Houston Cougars. With time running out in overtime, he penetrated the defense and slammed it home. I got my asian, Lo got his Cougar. The sun is rising.

It's only Monday, but I can't wait for this weekend. Party in Austin.

All The Small Things

This post is about a few minor, seemingly inconsequential things that happen to me that I make a big deal out of, either rightly or wrongly.

I got a sweet-ass haircut yesterday. It's actually just a light fade with the taper in the back, but the guy did a really good job of it. And, I am proud to announce, after nearly 25 years on this planet, I finally have enough upper-lip hair to call it a mustache. I also had him extend my sideburns all the way down and have the hair follow my jawline. It looks sweet-ass.

Whenever I am at a club, especially here in Midtown, it never fails that several groups of like 4 or 5 super hot girls roll up and walk right in to the party. Where the hell do these girls come from?!? And more importantly, why I don't I know them? Maybe I see them on the street in their everyday clothes and think nothing of it, but then they go through metamorphosis on Friday and Saturday nights and become fucking bombshells. I'm not the kind of guy to reach out and grab a girl's ass, but last night I had a hell of a time controlling myself. But then I remind myself these girls are all golddiggers, and since I am also a golddigger, it wouldn't work out. But who cares? I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking about tonight!*

Can anyone identify the middle eastern country someone accessed this website from? It's next to Africa, but I don't know what it is.


*copyright 2005 by Logan

So I Fucked A Midget...

...not really. Sorry to disappoint, but do you actually think I would do some wacky, circus porn shit like that? I'm just trying to get your attention.

I title this post as such to illustrate the theme of this post: funny shit that's simply inappropriate to do or to make fun of. The humor here is largely sophomoric and some of it is downright wrong, so if you can't handle it then, well, fuck off.

Two events over the past few days made me chuckle...

Event #1: My friend Staci coaches a seventh- and eighth-grade girls basketball team at an Austin middle school. Many of the girls are playing organized sports for the first time, so it came with little surprise that they lost their first game 67-2. Reportedly, one of the girls even peed herself during the game. Chalk that drubbing up to experience, or lack thereof. So the second game came around and they lost 44-2. It started getting funny to me. I told Staci that her team averages two fucking points a game, and this ain't soccer. So yesterday the team had their third game, and I'm thinking they're poised to win. After all, they were playing the mighty girls from the Texas School for the Deaf. The final score was 44-17...Staci's team lost. I'm talking to Staci and I'm like, "dear, the other team was deaf, they could'nt hear." I know it's insensitive to laugh. So, in typical Chris wisecracking fashion, I suggested they play the Texas School for the Blind. She called me a "fucker."

Event #2: Selvin Young conducted an interview shortly after Texas won the Rose Bowl in which he bashed the media for "straight up disrespecting" Texas during the weeks before the big game. The funny part came at the end when he said the media didn't expect Texas (as opposed to USC) to stand behind the "podum" (as opposed to "podium") and receive the tropy. Might need to repeat English 301, dude.

Event #3 (added at 2:50pm Friday): I'm at a bar last weekend standing next to this girl while waiting for the bar tender. Her back is to me and I kind of feel her hair a bit. She turns around suddenly and I jerk her hair a little. She gives me a dirty look but doesn't say anything. Later on I'm back at the bar (after I had been drinking) and we start talking about some random shit. I tell her that I have to leave and we give our salutations. But before I left I told her that she needed to start using conditioner because her hair was brittle as hell. I thought it was funny.

In other news, does anyone find it funny that the picture on my Blogger profile links to the HotOrNot website? Or have no of you noticed? Well, the explanation is that I couldn't find any other free picture hosting website that I could link to.

And finally, I found this really cool interactive map thing that lets you see where everyone who reads this blog is reading it from. I've also started going back to my stat counter website and looking specifically where people are accessing this site from. I can see the exact city and state, even the ISP. Mostly people from Texas are looking at it. I've had a fair amout of page loads from different cities in New York, Massachusetts, Washington, Kansas, Arizona, and California. Then I've got some international hits from France and Norway. Pretty cool.

Blonde Moment

This is on Reggie Bush's failed lateral attempt. Texas recovered, but the SC cheerleader is confused...

January 11, 2006

"Girl, you look so good, I would drink your bathwater." -Jerome from "Martin"

Two weeks ago during my trip to Nice, I learned that white people never knew about the TV show Martin until 2004, a full 6 years after the show went off air. This saddened me because the show rocks and everyone would enjoy it. But, of course, I understood. After all, I wasn't aware that Seinfeld (which, coincidentally, had the same time slot as Martin) even existed until it went off air.

I was thinking about my Rose Bowl experience and became a bit concerned with how emotionally invested I was into that game. I've discussed this with two people already. Is it a good sign when the successes/failures of a football team dictate your emotional state for the days and weeks following a game? Never in my entire life have I been as nervous as I was during the 4th quarter, and its only a football game. I've been through job interviews so stressful and nerve-wracking that some people break down and can't finish, I've been in heaps of trouble, and even dealth with (albeit minor) pregnancy scares. I am supposed to be super nervous about those things, but it was this game that had my adrenaline pumping the most, my heart beating the fastest (though I will say my heart was jumping out of my chest when I first met who is now my crazy-ass ex-girlfriend), my eyes watering, my hands trembling, and my knees buckling. Maybe it was like that because I was in the stadium. Who knows. Does anyone think this is a good sign?

In other news, I'm starting 2006 with women problems, but I'm gonna have fun resolving them this time. After all, I'm Chris, goddammit.

And before I forget, congratulations to Prayes and Sonali on their recent engagement!!

Haterade, part Deux

This may end up being a fairly long post, so get a glass of water and dig in.

On a bright, sunny, warm-weathered day here in Houston, Texas, I woke up from a decent sleep, although I was sweating a bit. With an unusual burst of morning energy, I hopped out of my bed, performed the normal morning tasks (teeth, hair, etc) and turned on my computer. Now, I normally go to three websites to start the day. I check e-mail then go to, in this order, cnn.com, abcnews.com, espn.com, and thefacebook.com. All was right in the world (no terrorist bombings, avalanches, murders, etc.) until I went to the facebook. I had a little message on the facebook this morning informing me that I, Chris, am an asshole. (For some reason, I am excited when I have mail on the facebook. I don't know why, I just do.)

I don't take that as a compliment. In fact I really, really do not like that someone thinks I am an asshole.

This post, faithful readers, is geared toward establishing myself as a non-jerk.

Ok, some of you may say there are varying degrees of asshole-ness. I disagree; either you are or you aren't. No one has ever said, "oh, he's ok, he's just a small asshole." Doesn't happen. So by showing some of the all time worst assholes, I hope to position myself as a non-asshole. So here goes:

Asshole #1: Andrea Yates - this crazy bitch killed her five children during the summer of 2001. Maybe we should call her a murderer. That would be more appropriate.

Asshole #2: Tom Leykis - I have never in my life heard someone so staunchly advocate taking advantage of women. This guy hates women, makes fun of them in every way possible, and has made it his life's mission to tell guys how to, as he says, "pump 'em and dump'em." Fuck that guy.

Asshole #3: The racist cop from the movie "Crash" - that guy was a total dick and made you want to break his jaw and rip his teeth out with pliers.

Asshole #4: Tom DeLay, former House Majority Leader - 'nuff said.

Asshole #5: Sean Taylor, safety, Washington Redskins - in his second incident, this guy spit in the face of an opponent in a game over the weekend. Stuff like that could spread disease. The asshole cap fits.

If any of you loyal readers feel I approach this type of behavior, the fine, call me an asshole. I seriously doubt any of you would come to that conclusion.

But hey, at least I've got 20,000 more airline miles am now OnePass Silver Elite for that trip to Madrid that I am never taking. I think I'll go to Barcelona instead and visit my A&M friend Petra, who is studying abroad.

In other news, Eric had his first experience in First Class on our Rose Bowl trip. I should have asked the stewardess to give him a pair of wings.

I am going to find a simple html-based survey I can put on this website. I'd like to get people's responses to various topics. Check back often for this.

Haterade On These Hoes

This post is not meant to hurt or offend women. It is not misogyny, because I don't hate women. I am writing this because I am feeling particuarly empowered right now. I also happen to be listening to the Tom Leykis show, which I discovered during my trip to LA. Houston stations don't play this guy, so I have to catch him online. That's besides the point.

I write this because I happen to find two of Tom's views pretty damn true. First, Tom says guys should never spend more than $40 on a date - EVER. The man is right. Guys, there really is no need to spend a lot on a date trying to get laid. A girl knows withing 7 seconds of meeting you whether she wants to have sex with you. Taking her out on an expensive-ass date won't change things. Seriously, don't waste your cash. Goodness knows we've all spent way too much in pursuit of what ends up being a fucking lousy piece of ass. As Tom says, 10 cent wings, dollar beers and a dollar movie is all you need. I don't think I'd take that particular route, but I understand Tom's point.

Second, Tom pontificates that guys should try to get women to pay for dates. I'd imagine most guys would agree with this, but too bad there aren't many women out there who are cool with it. If there are, please tell me. I would have absolutely no problem being taken out by a chick. None at all.

Tom also says that guys have absolutely nothing to gain from entering into relationships with girls. Personally, I'm not sure if I agree with that. Regardless, his show generates a ton of controversy and I will listen for a couple weeks or so before I get sick of this dude. You all should check it out.

Tex-an posted a comment knocking the University of Kansas fans. Apparently they were misbehaving at the Fort Worth Bowl. Kansas, don't get happy about this game. You got lucky. Your football team sucks. Your school sucks (a miserable #97 ranking among 110 schools ranked by US News). Your fans suck. And your girls are awful, awful in bed. Seriously, you should be able to slap a girl if she bites you while performing oral. But Ohio State girls are pretty fucking talented :) Hi Jenna!

Blow me up Tom!

Chappelle (not Rush) is Right

Until now, I have joked about Dave Chappelle's assertion that white people drink grape juice. But that mere assertion gained some traction in my mind during a flight from Toronto last week...

I'm sitting on the plane talking to a chick who also happened to sit next to me on the flight from Paris when the stewardess begins the beverage service. I order water, as does the girl next to me. In the row behind me sat a man in his 40s, white, upper-middle-class status. "Anything to drink for you, sir?," said the stewardess as I held my breath hoping this would be the moment of truth. Then I heard those magical words...

"I'll have some grape juice," the man said. I damn near shit a brick. A huge grin crept across my face as if I had just discovered the cure to cancer. Chappelle's theory had been validated.

Unfortunately, grape juice was not available so the man's second choice was apple juice, which almost made me shit a second brick. Regardless, it was a very funny moment.

The Holidays

Over the past two weeks I have taken some pretty cool trips. After Christmas, I went to Nice, France to vacation. Then I went to Los Angeles for the Rose Bowl. For those of you living on an island in the middle of nowhere, Texas won. Click on the embedded links for pictures from both excursions.