Rebirth / 2011 Update

A recent conversation inspired me to get serious again on this blog, having remembered how admittedly entertaining this thing is.  It has been nearly a year since I really did anything on here, and a  quick run down of life events may be in order for today.  It is a short list, which may (or may not) disappoint.  Here goes.

April 2011 -  last post, which promised to do awesome shit in 2011.  Indeed I did accomplish a certain degree of awesomeness, but not to the extent that I wanted to. Also met some cool new people, highlighted by my introduction to the best dancer I know, let's call her HotTeacher.

June 2011 - My first trip to the Bahamas (although I have been to the Caribbean before).  That, in itself, is worth of a few full blog posts.  But the trip was highlighted by a few events including, but not limited to, (i) something I call the Showtime after Dark shower scene, (ii) chick fights, (iii) a ridiculously amazing club night, (iv) my introduction to the concept of a "show bikini", which I discovered is a particularly fancy piece of clothing that must not be allowed to get wet (at least with liquids not supplied by a human) under any circumstance and (v) the discovery of Kalik beer.  Methinks of the show bikini concept as rather similar to some of the views expressed in Chris Rock's 2010 documentary, "Good Hair".

July 2011 - Holy shit, I turned 30.  Great party in the hometown.  Also decided to step the game up and pick up a new whip, which I have since named Diamond.  Yes, Diamond.

August / September 2011 - Racked up almost 40,000 airline miles (actually 20k, but I get double credits because I'm Platinum, bitches!!) in the process of running a training program for the investment firm I work for.  Huge honor to be selected to lead it.  Definitely one of the highlights of my career so far.

December 2011 / Jan 2012 - Rang in the new year in, of all places, Montreal, Canada.  I don't speak French (not much, anyway), but the fantastic group of people that I joined did.  3rd best New Years ever (behind Vegas 2010 and Nice 2005)

The 91 days of 2012 have been spectacular, sometimes a bit too spectacular.  Dallas continues to be full of ridiculous characters that provide an endless stream of hilarity.

Keep it coming.

Next Decade

It's 2011. Time to set it off.

Two things:

1 - Wayne Brady breaks its down to old school Bobby Brown http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6cd1e6dbb4/every-little-step-with-mike-tyson-wayne-brady

2 - I need good book recommendations. Taking a month off from drinking (still going out, just not boozing) and I also want to read a bit...get at me.

Smoov..

Diddy says drink Ciroc.

Cowboy Excess

In an effort to start writing again, I am putting up a little e-mail I wrote a while ago analyzing the ridiculous $55,000 (yes, that's correct) dinner had by members of the Dallas Cowboys back towards the beginning of the season.

More to come. Enjoy.

From: Christopher
Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 6:30 PM
To: xxx
Subject: RE:

$55 grand, in absolute terms, is a lot of scratch to thrown down on a meal. But when you break this down it becomes all the more impressive. Assume 30 (likely more like 35) people ate (22 starters plus some key reserves on both sides of the ball), you’re talking 1800 a person, after tip, which we’ll conservatively assume is 20%. So now you’re at roughly 1530 a person. Assuming everyone took home, on average, 2 bottles of wine valued at $250 each ($500 total) and that the private room costs $5,000 to reserve, split evenly (an extreme overestimation) AND that the table spent $10 grand ($333/person – guess they were sticking with Don P this evening) in cocktails/wine while at dinner implies that each player consumed $530 worth of food, pre tax.

Just how much food is this? I did the math and the ENTIRE MENU prices out for $770. If you order every appetizer, every salad, every entrée, every dessert, etc, you spend $770. This means each player ate 70% of the entire menu, which is conservative because Wade’s big ass likely ate more than his fair share.

No wonder the cowboys were 0-2. They were in a food coma.


Arrivederci!!! (that was for you, Wildcat)

Scraping Meat at the Jewish Deli: The Inspiring Story of Two Dallasites

...Coming Soon...

Travelocity

It just hit me that I've been to a lot of different places over the past 12 months. The rundown (mostly in order, but not perfect order)

-Atlanta
-New York (twice)
-Newark
-San Francisco
-Chicago
-Kansas City (6 times)
-St. Louis (13 times)
-Phoenix (twice)
-Austin (5 times, about to be 6 this weekend)
-Houston (3 times)
-Washington DC
-Knoxville
-Cancun
-Playa del Carmen
-Cabo
-Crested Butte, CO

Pretty cool huh? :-)

The Adult Alarm

As you all know, I love Michael Jackson. Despite his eccentricities, hearing his music will always bring a smile to my face. I saw this video of Matt Lauer taking us on a tour of Neverland Ranch, which included MJ's bedroom. Just watch this. Who in the world has a motion sensor to detect people 6 people away coming toward his bedroom (which would sound -- the joke being it was an "Adult Alarm" so he would stop touching whatever kid he was with), a freaking peephole in this bedroom door, and a TV monitor in his bedroom to see who's coming in? Unbelievable...

The Best / Worst E-mail Ever

Since I've begun writing on this again (and tracking everyone who looks at this), I've noticed the predictable increase in readership, which is good. Although I try to identify everyone who reads this (as I know most of you), there are probably a number of people who I don't know that also read it. I say this because what follows should not be construed as an indication of my personality. In fact, it is probably the opposite of who I am or what I am about.

Anyway, a long time ago I had this friend, let's call her ABC, who I met in 2005 and became friends with. I was 24 and still pretty immature. Anyway, I thought she was a little weird (conceited, etc) and off-putting, but, in typical guy fashion, put up with it b/c of her looks (I finally learned through this person never to do that again). So we were friends for a while, my growing ever more tired of her personality, and I finally couldn't take it anymore. So, I went to unchartered territory (for me, at least) and ended the friendship. But, since I've never believed in screaming matches or just a total, random cut off of communication, I wrote ABC an e-mail. At 3:05am, after a night of drinking. This is what I wrote...


From: Christopher
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2007 3:05 AM
To: ABC
Subject: Regrettably...

ABC, regrettably, it has come to my writing this e-mail. And I write it (versus speaking it) because I believe you should look at this 2 or 3 times before deleting it. I think you’ll learn a lot and truly acknowledge my position by doing that. I don’t expect you to agree with everything in this message, and I honestly don’t care if you do. Although I find it very odd that you have the audacity and gaul to literally ask “what did I do this time?” after what, in my estimation, was an extremely selfish and divisive performance (which my other friends were subjected to, mind you) Monday evening, somehow I am not surprised, as this has become your modus operandi of late and I have tired of it.

By now you’ve guessed why I am writing this. I probably (lord knows I’ve tried) clued you in a few weeks ago at the Tech game, but I have determined that our ideals and approaches to friendship, class, and the general way we treat others are not congruent. In fact, they are divergent (and, as scary as this may seem, maybe even polar opposites). It is for that reason that I can no longer be friends (whatever that word means to you) with you or a close associate.

Before I delve deeper, I will say that I believe that somewhere deep down, you have the capacity to be a great individual. Fundamentally, I believe you would like to be a good person, free from “drama” and otherwise petty conflicts that complicate life, mar friendships, and generally cause unnecessary stress in life.

What follows is a scathing critique of you and some of your recent actions. This is not meant to be an indictment against your personal character, but rather an illustration of how our principles and views differ.

Last night was the last straw. I thought your fake “family emergency” (which turned out to be a boldfaced lie) was the last one, but somehow I generated a bit of compassion and gave you another shot. And you screwed it up. Again. You put me in an extremely unfair position by forcing me to “choose” between yourself and a good friend of mine. Under the presumed consequence of you leaving the bar (which, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have cared about), you purposefully and maliciously manipulated me into completely ignoring a good friend of mine. That is unfair to me both to me and also to my friend. You should never use a 3rd person as a pawn in your own little scheme. That is disrespectful and downright mean. The fact that I was your “date” to that party was irrelevant. I talked to many other females, yet you only got mad when I talked to a specific one. That’s unfair, childish, and unnecessary. ABC, I know your game. You should know that I am currently 35 times smarter than you will ever be (and I have all the academically-related statistics to prove it), and you shouldn’t think I’m being fooled or buying into your bs. So, you have made me “choose” between yourself and the other girl, and I choose her. I hope that’s clear.

I generally think you’re a little crazy. Not medically crazy, but socially just a little off. I find it very strange that you think one person (said female) is out to get you. That in itself is totally narcissistic and a little selfish. And I have seen this enacted over and over again. Pretty much since October 2005 when I first met you, there have been actions you have taken that have given me small clues into what you’re about. This thought was confirmed over Halloween weekend when you flipped out on the girl that was supposedly your best friend over something as petty as an innocent kiss from a boy.

I’ve already said too much, so I will not continue this monologue. I could go into all the details about how we’re on different maturity levels, or how I think you’re probably super insecure and how that impacts the decisions you make or the choice of people you associate with, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Again, you aren’t expected to agree with everything, but rather be able to comprehend (not empathize, just comprehend) my position. I wish you the best of luck at your new job in Austin, a safe move to this wonderful city, and a good holiday season.

Do not reply to this e-mail. I seriously am not interested in your retort.


Regards,
Chris

Most of you probably think this is pretty mean, and I probably can't blame you given you don't know the backstory. The truth is it took a lot for me to do something like this. Sometimes I think I am too forgiving and never thought I'd put something like this together, but in the end it probably worked out for the best. The Cowboy from Hell, Big EZ, and a few others could probably tell you more about those episodes (at the football game, etc, which were really funny in a strange way), and I'm happy to give the backstory to those curious. As bad as this may seem, I think this is some of my better pieces of writing (you all know I like to write). Hope you guys have enjoyed reading this.

I want a bomb pop.

Frisco Loco

At the strong request of GK -- who I am almost certain had her sweet 16 birthday party when she was 14 -- I am storming to post more material.  I really do like it when people implore me to write stuff.  Maybe they're just bored at work. (Actually, there is a 74% chance they're bored and just want to read something)

Anyway, I was so depressingly bored last weekend that I partied in Frisco.  I can already hear many of you asking, "What the hell is wrong with you?" And that's a fair question.  The answer, is that I elected to hang out with friends I hadn't seen in a while.  This is the upside to boredom.  You reconnect with old buds and act like idiots, which most of us are pretty good at.

So anyway, I make the long drive (Frisco is like 26.2 miles from my apartment) to meet up at the Laredo Cantina with a couple friends. One of the girls, I'll call her Team Asia, seems to know every bartender in the place.  Our waiter, a cordial fellow, is obsessed with her and relentlessly keeps feeding our whole table drinks (put a pin in this, we're coming back to this later).  Never one to turn down a free drink (hey, girls get this all the time, I hardly ever get drinks bought for me), I keep throwing them back, totally forgetting how I am going to get home that night.  

At some point we decide to leave and head over to this place called 2 Brothers -- correction -- II Brothers -- also in Frisco. This place had the most confusing social scene I've observed in a while.  You had what I am calling your North Dallas D-bag (out of shape, uncool guys wearing tight screen printed tees, or a black shirt with a rhinestone phoenix rising from a fire pit -- you get the point) hanging out with pretty hot girls with too much makeup.  Then you had the old guy sitting at the bar checking out girls half his age.  You also had the average looking chick chain smoking in the corner, feeling guilty about leaving her 2-year old alone at home by himself.

But, ever one to take advantage of the scene, Team Asian broke into that place like a DEA raid in the projects.  As soon as we walk through the door, she sprints to the bar where she (evidently) knows all the bartenders and starts ordering drinks.  We proceeds to drink a TON.  Beer, shots, more beer, margarita, more shots.  At  some point I decide to order food (which I got arrogant about and told JT I wasn't paying for -- hehehe) to soak some of this stuff up (thank goodness I ate mexican food earlier).  Balloons are hanging up all over this place b/c there was some sort of celebration (Rick James) going on.  It looked like Chucky Cheese.

Much of the night escapes me.  I vaguely remember some woman (cougar-age...oh yea, there were a ton of coogs in this place too) telling me she liked my hands and this other lady screaming at me when she was talking to me.  It was like she was listening to a Walkman (or iPod) and had to overtalk to compensate..it was weird.  I concluded she was crazy.

I don't know if I'll spend much time just chillin in Frisco, but I am glad I went.  If nothing else, it provides for a good story.

And I almost forgot, thanks to the efforts/connections/charm of Team Asia, I didn't spend a dollar all night.  Booyah!

Strange days

It's about time I got back on this horse. I have a lot to talk about too. Anyway, this is a recap of my day today. All of this is true:

-wake up at 3am bc I can't sleep and couldn't go back to sleep
-drive to airport for 640am flight-sit next to lady on the plane who is wearing one of those light blue medical mask things you put on your face. She is old. She is also asian. I am thinking she has swine flu. I become nervous.
-it is raining (a lot) in st louis. Neither BEL nor I brought an umbrella. My hair gets wet. My hair should never be wet.
-guy in our second meeting is telling us about his business. He says his product is selling like hotcakes (I can't make this up). Somewhere, I see you cringing and doing something weird with your nose.
-on the way to lunch, my shoe breaks -- as in, the part where my foot goes in detaches from the sole, so I'm just flopping around.
-BEL suggests "gluing" it together with bubble gum.
-the only gum I have is big red. So I chew some up and stick it in between the foot part and the sole.
-it doesn't work. In fact, it fails miserably. The gum (which is red) is compressed by my bodyweight on the shoe and starts seeping out the side of my shoe. And I'm back to flopping around again bc the gum is not holding.
-thankfully lunch is at a mall, so BEL and I go to a macy's and he sits there as I try on and eventually buy a new pair of shoes. I try to charge them on the corporate card. BEL says no. I'm thinking I feel like I'm with my dad. This concerns me. Anyway, I take my old shoes with me so I can get them fixed in dallas.
-thankfully my flight is on time, and my hair is dry

BEL is my team leader. we travel together when we go on marketing trips.

More to come. The blog is back.

Others

Some people brought up a couple bars that escaped my mind, so I thought I'd address them here.

Lucky Lounge - this place, situated on 5th street, is actually pretty fun. Problem is, I always seem to use this place also as a jumping off point (and it only plays hip hop on Saturdays) so it's never one of the main places of the evening. Lapability and circumnavigability sucks here. Similar problem to the Wave. Service is pretty good though.

Red Fez - I like this place, I really do. It's hard for me to say much negative stuff about the place, but you don't have to look far to find it. You can't do laps in here, and if the (very small) dance floor is packed, good luck getting anywhere fast. The feung schwei in the place sucks, it could have not been designed more poorly. However, this place does have good music and a decent crowd.

Nights in the A

My friend Michael Pemulis offered this thoughts on the Austin bar scene recently and inspired me to do the same.

Just like MP, I tried to come up with my top ten Austin bars. Starting from an initial basket of 37 bars in which I excluded restaurants and hotels (The Driskill would easily be top 10 if I included hotels). I'll also pattern this post similar to his, going through my bars that did not make the top 10 for various reasons. Soon hereafter, I will post my top 10.

Neither of these bars have some one or two negative attributes in common, it's just for some reason they aren't in my top 10. I used evaluative measures similar to those of MP (crowd, service, navigability, lapability, danceability). However I did not use batting averages, run totals, or any other baseball analogy to measure my "hitting ability" at said bars (although arguably they could be a factor in my evaluation of the "crowd").

With that said, here goes:

11) 219 West -- I promise that MP and I do not really at all think alike when it comes to the Austin social scene, except for this. 219 would be in my top 10 except for the lack of a "scene" and a proper dance floor (which isn't that big of a deal for this place). But it is definitely a good launching pad, and it's physical position on 4th street makes it an easy walk to 6th, 5th, or the rest of 4th streets.

The rest of these are in no particular order:

Logan's -- I fucking hate this place. At one point, I simply refused to go there. As in, if all of my friends decided to go, I was going home. Generally terrible music (read: waspy 80's shit), terrible lighting (porkers become skinny, etc), overpriced gigantic beers, and the stark absence of diversity makes this place my third most hated bar in the city. But it's not all bad; this place has exactly three things going for it: (1) it serves pretty decent jello shots, (2) it's a few doors down from Spill, and (3) one day its owner will run out of money and close the joint.

Cedar Street -- surprise, surprise you say. Anyone who knows me knows I pretty much can't stand CS. I am certain this is in MPs top 10 (actually, it's in his top 5 and I'm so sure of this, I'd put my left arm on the line). Same shitty characteristics as Logan, except this place also charges cover on certain nights. The Chase doesn't pay cover. And the service sucks. I will say, however, that an inordinate amount of cougars (and probably a few snow leopards mixed in) give this place its only positive remark. Navigability here sucks too, and the bathrooms take forever to access.

311 -- I stopped going to frat parties for a reason. This place is a frat party exported to 6th street. Yes, there is some decent talent, but the bar is hard to service, the band/entertainment leaves a lot to be desired, and the crowd may be the most out of touch, stupid, overprivileged frat/sorority kids from all over Texas. 72% of all frat date rapes start here*. I don't go to this place.

Prague -- if I wanted to party with douchebags and the girls who jock them, I'd buy an Affliction and/or Ed Hardy t-shirt, join the MMA circuit, take steroids till my balls shrivel, grunt alot, and develop a massive, uncontrollable cocaine habit. Or I could just party at Scottsdale bars. Either way, I'm not going here. The place fails nearly every one of my criteria; it's hard to move around, wayyy too dark, terrible music, and inconsistent service. I'm waiting for the day this place is raided by the DEA and subsequently shut down.

Gruv -- see "Prague" above

Qua -- I generally dislike places that are "25 and up" but only enforce this (and dress codes) on select occasions. But even getting beyond this, Qua doesn't have much to offer. I don't need to pay $8 for a drink to watch a fish swim around in a tank that's not even kept clean most of the time.

Speakeasy -- this is almost a tie with 219 West, and could very easily be in my top 10. This place has a decent crowd, a couple of bars inside, but one hell of a hike if you're trying to go to the roof. You're literally climbing 150 stairs if you want to get up there. Good luck with that. Music is decent. Crowd lacks ideal level of diversity but it's manageable. Sometimes they have cover, which I don't like but I'd be up for going again.

Light -- super cool bar on 4th and Congress. Great music, good bartenders, decent dance area, and diverse, reasonably classy, crowd. I've liked this place since the first time I went there. This could easily be top 10. Problem is it doesn't get crowded till very late and there is a "second wave" element beginning to overtake this place.

Lavaca Street -- there's nothing wrong with this place, but there's not too much right with it either. Crowd is unremarkable, and the only reason to go here is for dollar beer night on Tuesdays.

Firehouse Lounge -- This place is like an upscale Spill, which is perhaps why it's not in my top 10. Awesome music and dance floor, but I have two gripes against this place. One, the bar is physically too high for my tastes, like it goes up to my fucking chin and I feel like a midget trying to order something. Second, it's too dark. I had an unfortunate incident back in 2005 at this place. Yes, it was a chick I was getting with, but when the lights came on I had to run for the hills.

Latitude -- any place with as big a dance floor that plays as much hip hop as Latitude would almost automatically be in my top 10. Add in the $2 JaegerBombs and you'd think I'd never leave. But it's not a favorite: (1) there is usually a line, which I don't do, and (2) the JaegerBombs aren't actually made with red bull, they use some other "energy drink" which tastes closer to Kobe Bryant's ass than it does to red bull.

Treasure Island -- T.I., to which it is commonly referred, is admittedly a terrible bar. The drinks are the worst I have tasted in Austin. I suppose this is what I get when I expect great things from 25cent well drinks on Wednesday nights. The crowd is definitely sketchy, although the girls here seems to have major self-image issues, which may help you break out of a slump. Unlike Pemulis, I think TI is the wost bar on 6th.

Pure -- my friend Gris flat out refuses to go here, and I don't completely understand why. Pure is admittedly a poor attempt to copy the namesake of the famous club in Caesars Palace, but it's got a decent crowd, great music, and it's relatively cheap. On the other hand, navigability in this place sucks, and the service is terrible. On top of this, they charge cover and I can't get in wearing flip flops (who thinks they can enforce a dress code on 6th street??). This place gets the thumbs down from me.

The Wave -- the first time I went to this place I wound up having a pretty good looking chick take me back to her place, so I suppose I had a good impression from the start. Upon further review, however, alot of stuff is wrong with this bar. Walking around this place is a chore, with the bar hitting you right as you walk in and there only being a 7 foot wide walkway for 400 people to try to traverse. If you can make it upstairs, you get a decent outside area, but can't really hear the music.

Shakespear's Pub -- this also could be in the top 10. This place may be the most underrated bar on 6th. They just opened up a separate room that's just a dance floor and they've got great music. The crowd is super chill, no dress code, reasonably priced drinks, and they just set up a nintendo wii if you want to play it. Plus the girls are hot. For some reason, this place just doesn't do it for me, probably because a bunch of super drunk people roll in around 1:30 (the pizza stand is right next door to this place) and are annoying.

Maggie Maes -- my chief problem with this place is the crowd. Everyone looks like they're about to walk out and roll straight to 311. No diversity whatsoever. I try everything I can not to go here unless I am with some gigantic group and can't really avoid it. As far as bar fundamentals are concerned, this place is decent. It's got a number of bars inside so you don't have to wait forever for a drink, decent service, a huge rooftop with a gigantic tv projection screen, and a lot of girls come here. The music leaves a little bit to be desired. I've never had any remarkable experiences at this place, besides always thinking I want to leave. Maggie Maes is out of the top 10 (and probably out of the top 20).

Ok, those are all the places that didn't make my top 10. I'll post my top 10 over the next 10 days, so check back often!!

*I made this up, but the actual number is probably close.

The Olympic Trials

In the spirit of the upcoming 2008 Summer Games and of general faux-douchebaggery (faux because I don't own, or even wear, Affliction or Ed Hardy or any other stupid screen-printed graphic tees when I go out), tonight I asked a friend to pull out a stopwatch at a bar to measure how long it took me to get some girl's number.

I was hanging out with a few friends at this bar, a pretty cool spot called XO in midtown here in H when the idea stuck me. Such ideas are rare given than I generally don't approach a ton of girls I meet in a bar (more on why I don't do this later), let alone challenge myself to accomplish certain ill-intentioned feats in front of people I don't know in the social equivalent of a track and field time trial.

Anyway, this group of 5 (2 girls, 3 guys) walks in and posts up next to us (4 guys). As usual, I observe their dynamic to see if the guys are "with" the girls. It becomes clear within about 2 minutes that they're not. Each of the girls bought their own drinks and the 3 guys all loaded up on to one tab. 3 tabs between 5 people. No way. Step 1 - Check. So one of the girls is pretty cute, although wearing a super ugly dress, and I'm thinking I'll go talk to her (at this point largely unaided by the effect of alcohol, so the wittiness/cleverness was going to have to come early tonight). Somehow I feel super confident (that's sarcasm, when have you known me not to be super confident?), so I ask my friend to run to his car, pull out his stopwatch, and see if I can talk this girl into my cell phone (and I into hers) in 3 minutes or fewer. So I throw in a fresh piece of ultra-minty gum and head for it.

I don't do pick up lines, never have, and I doubt I'll start anytime soon. So I cut right into whatever stupid conversation she was having with the other chick and begin to talk her up. I tend to talk about general stuff (probably part of my problem) when I meet girls unless something strikes me about her (this also helps explain my wristband habit). So I'm chatting her up, trying to be nice, but aware that I need to close fast. Somehow the conversation turns to personal stuff (guessing this was about the 1:25 mark) when she tells me she just had a kid. Having already found out she was 22 and already questioning why she's out at a bar on a Friday night (drinking nonetheless), I ask how old her baby was.

I'm thinking maybe she's got a 2 or 3 year old at home. Nope, not even close. Her baby was 3......weeks. Yep. Even showed me pics on her cell phone. After being polite and joking that at least she made her husband (knowing full well she didn't have one) stay home that night, I get the (almost expected) response that the father was "not in the picture."

I couldn't go any further. After having lost all respect for a chick who was out boozing after giving birth 3 freaking weeks earlier (plus she had bad breath), I had to fake a hamstring injury and stop the race. At 3:31 on the stopwatch, I decided I didn't want these digits. As fun as this game was (and I intend to play this again, probably a lot in Dallas), this was not the kind of quality I was looking for.

What was worse, for the second time in as many nights, I start talking up a girl who, unbeknownst to me, has a kid. The previous night it (at the Fict no less) was a 25 year old (who happens to be moving to Dallas soon) who disclosed her 3 year old at home. Arguably this was more ridiculous because somehow we started discussing baseball and her love for the Mets (she is originally a girl from Jersey). Evidently she named her kid Shea, after Shea Stadium, home of said New York Mets. People, I can't make this up.

I don't know what it is about me that makes me meet girls that already have kids (something I am definitely not looking for), but whatever it is needs to stop. This makes no fewer than four, FOUR, separate instances where this has happened. I don't think this is what Colby O'Donis meant in "What You Got." Responses from these Dallas chicks should be interesting.

That's all I got for now. The weekend was awesome. I'm sad that this is my last week in Houston for a long time.

Awesomely Ridiculous

Amidst all of the spectulation surrounding Brett Favre's initial interest in returning to the NFL, sports fans everywhere have taken to calling sports talk shows to propose their ideal return scenario for the future hall-of-famer. My sports talk show of choice these days is the Jim Rome show. Frankly, I think the guy is funny, although I don't think it's very substantive. Rome will literally make a statement and repeat the same statement five different ways to drive the point home. But for some reason I don't care. Anyway, today he had a guest host when a caller proposed that Favre, should he return, go to the Chicago Bears.

It is at that point when the guest host lost his mind and exclaimed that Favre going to 'Da Bears wouldn't work. His rationale, though completely absurd, was probably the funniest thing I've heard in at least two months.

He "argues": Lovie Smith (coach of the Bears) hates quarterbacks. In fact, if Smith could play the game without a quarterback, all would be right in the world for him. Smith would love to petition the league to allow the Bears to only play defense. How would this work, you ask? Smith would draft 52 defensive guys and then Devin Hester (to complete the 53-man roster). The Bears would only play defense against other teams. If the Bears stopped the opposing team, Devin Hester, the SOLE OFFENSIVE PLAYER ON THE TEAM, would return the punt. If he doesn't score, the other team gets the ball back automatically. Totally absurd idea, but funny as hell.

I bet the Bears would still make the playoffs under this system :-)

American Gangster

The movie is about the heroin drug ring led by Frank Lucas. This picture, which is real and actually did appear on the cover of the NY Times magazine (June 5, 1977), is of Nicky Barnes, one of Lucas' competitors. I thought it was interesting.

Looks + Smarts = 1

On this (relatively mundane) Sunday evening at home, I've decided to spend (waste) two hours of my life watching the Miss Texas USA pageant hoping/wishing/praying/pleading for one of these super-hot-but-probably-not-very-smart girls to have a Ms. South Carolina moment. In case you forgot (how could you ever forget this?!), here it is:

Random: June 22nd

In what can only be strangely described as a half-amazing, half-awful experience, I believed I have discovered the Houston version of Spill, the bar/club I frequented in Austin. It's call iBar, and it's the dirtiest place on the Houston social landscape I've ever seen. If this place doesn't sound familiar to most of you, fret not. You're not out of the loop, it's that iBar is relatively new, as it recently replaced the Grasshopper club at 506 Main.

Naturally, I had to investigate this atrocity (at least it was free cover). My suspicions were confirmed as true when I walked it, saw few people over the age of 22, a bunch of obviously underage chicks drinking and well on their way to intoxication and/or roofie slippage (the guys in this place were not on the up-and-up). I ordered up what turned out to be a terrible vodka tonic (this always happens when I order a drink with house liquor, I should know better), which was so terrible I didn't finish it.

The bright side? The girls are easily approachable. Seems like if you come across as even a halfway decent individual (i.e. you finished high school and have a job), you're in. Chris likes low standards.

While I don't think I'll be hitting up iBar again anytime soon, it was useful to cross it off my list of places to go downtown.

In other news, Big EZ (aka Strongarm Simpson) and I are throwing the first of what will eventually be a series of sweet parties at our apartment in Dallas later this summer. Details and invitations will come your way soon.

Finally, I don't know why I think this is cool, but evidently I need to vacation to Cape Cod this summer. Seems alot of people are having fun there these days...

Diss

This past Friday, driven by my desire to be social, I went out with a few friends to a couple of bars in Houston. As is typical when a group of dudes (there were four of us on this night, actually it's pretty typical for my anyway, regardless of whom I come to the bar with, chicks or guys) rolls into a bar/club, I immediately rushed the bar, ordered some initial libations, and began making small talk with my friends. Obviously, this small talk is just that, largely a time suck while we cruise the landscape looking for potential lottery winners (I'll explain this concept later). At this first bar, I noticed a particularly undesirable situation brewing just about 10 feet from me. An unfortunate soul was being given a stiff Heisman by the bitch girl he was talking to. Clearly he was being dissed, but the funny part of this sequence was how painfully obvious the girl made it that she wasn't interested in talking.

I kind of felt bad for the dude (I perhaps should add this was guy a fairly good looking black guy and the girl was a very average white chick; my entire diatribe on that subject is coming in a future post) because he was simply playing a wingman role while his friend (a pudgy, older douchebag wearing a white linen shirt and pants) hit on a totally busted chick (she was huge).

Anyway, back to the wingman. After probably 5 or 10 minutes of forced/awkward/uneasy conversation, this chick, perhaps subconsciously, starts doing everything from physically turning her body away from the guy, tapping her friend on the shoulder (while she's being hit on by the other guy) to talk to her, chain smoking a cigarette, making 3 trips to either the bar or bathroom, clearly scoping out other people in the bar, checking her cell phone/blackberry/iphone. It was terrible; the ultimate diss for a (preusmably nice) guy trying to be a good friend and wingman.

Cops Aren't Smart

Gym Rats

So I decided to come back to SL for the bulk of the summer before moving to the Dallas/Fort Worth metrosexualplex late next month. Since there's nothing to do here and I needed to get back into shape, it naturally followed that I joined a gym. So I did - a "grown up" gym, as opposed to a gym you'd find on major college campuses (read: UT - Austin, home of the most beautiful coeds outside of the SEC - vanderbilt not included). To be frank, I'm a bit disappointed with the workout environment (admittedly for all the wrong reasons). For one, the chicks are unbelievably unattractive. I know, I know, I've been spoiled by reasonably good-looking 18 to 22-year olds working out on campus. But give me a freaking break. You'd think there would be at least a few good looking cougars (this is SL for Christ's sake!!!). But there's nothing. I even try going around 6 or 7 (after works). Again, I'm coming up empty, and it's terribly disappointing.

My second observation should seem obvious, but again, coming from a college campus, it was a little startling: the people in my "grown up" gym are legitimately out of shape. They jiggle their "wobbly bits" all over the place. And they're super insecure about it. I don't understand this. I also don't understand people trying to multitask while they're on the treadmill, for example. While I realize that watching TV or reading a magazine/book during exercise may help pass the time, I will never understand the lady who elects to talk on her freaking cell-phone while grinding through a session on the elliptical. The first time I saw this, I thought it was an anomaly, but apparently some conversations can't wait.

Finally, I'm convinced some people don't know how to dress for the gym. I've seen more people wearing full-length khakis, a polo shirt, and doc martens during a workout than I care to count. I almost want to remind them they're in a fitness facility, will probably sweat (you're not getting that good of a workout if you're on a cell phone), and need different attire. People are dumb.

In any event, I enjoy my gym. It's never crowded so I never have to wait for a station, and the people are nice. To top it off, if I'm ever having a bad day, they're always something comical I can find about the people without having to look too far.

In other news, a friend started a blog which is going to be very good. I'd like each of you to check it out: http://mikepemulis.blogspot.com/

That's it.

NOLA

Went to New Orleans for JazzFest. Had a great time. Ate way too much. I need to lose some f-ing weight (this is the first time ever that i've said that btw)

Pics are here: http://picasaweb.google.com/csybille/JazzFestApril2008

Enjoy!

Back In The Game

Finally decided to start writing stuff again, mainly b/c people kept complaining that there wasn't much new stuff. So, I'll start updating this thing a couple times a week as long as there's interesting stuff to write about.

Stay tuned, cats.

Professional Diss: Kwame Brown

I don't like Stephen A Smith, but these videos are hilarious. Enjoy :-)



And another...

'Tis the Season

Allow me to present my Christmas wish list...

• Tickets to the LSU - ohio state game (and an LSU victory)
• The Art of Shaving set
• Polo Belt
• A copy of "Moneyball"

Update

I took this down temporarily. Now it's back (clearly).

ESPN did a cool article on Bo Jackson today. You can access it here.

I decided on a job, but you have to ask (in person) if you really want to know.

NOLA talent...

...no, I'm not talking about myself, but that's a good guess :-)

In addition to the Christmas tunes (I have an AWESOME collection), I am loving this song right now...

From The Mind of Chris..

Over the next week to 10 days, I will be writing about a variety of topics that have popped into my head. These topics will include:

• Things that I believe in (based on a survey of at least 4 people over the weekend)
• Why I can never be proper friends with girls (based on conversations over the past 12-14 months, this will probably be called F Bomb, Part Deux)
• How modesty and unmistakably superior talent go hand in hand
• My Christmas list (you'll want to pay close attention to this)

Like I said, each of these have been on my mind recently, so as I usually do, I'm gonna detail my thoughts (however ridiculous, I know) for all of you to see/criticize.

Anyway, I had a very average weekend, hope y'alls was better!

LUV

Why am I writing in this blog at 1:50am on a Friday night? Good question. I guess the answer ultimately lies in the availability (or lackthereof) of social options for the evening. I got caught up at Trudy's on this evening and never made it to downtown, so tomorrow will have to be catch-up.

At any rate, I spent my day in Dallas in a sell-day function for the 'debt shop' I mentioned a few days ago. I love day trips that require short flights (so basically Houston, Dallas, SA, New Orleans). I flew Southwest.

What I have always found interesting (at least since I have begun to fly alone) is the dynamic that pervades Southwest's boarding procedures (i.e. the open seating policy). Basically, if you're in the last part of the B boarding group or behind, you're screwed. No aisle seats, no window deats. Only middles. Today I was in the back half of B for both my flights. Perhaps no one else thinks about this, but I have to mentally prepare myself for my "seating strategy" on these flights. I swear I pulled the reverse-staredown on this one woman whose middle seat I was eyeing. I am positive her mind said "please God don't let him choose this seat. I don't have a legitimate excuse for telling him nom, but...." So I passed it up and sat somewhere else.

Anyway, that's it. Just thought it was interesting.

Finally, for you non-BHP students who STILL haven't figured out why the title of this post is so-called, I guess I'll have to spell it out. LUV is the stock symbol for Southwest Airlines.

Rule #73: No excuses, play like a champion.

Rule #26: Be straightforward in everything you do. Vagueness is undesirable.

Rule# 7: Always, always, always believe in yourself.

And yes, I listen/jam out to Beyonce. Deal with it.

Champs

I have the widest grin on my face right now.

We won it all. :-) :-) :-) :-)

Yep, team MBA entered tonight's all-university tournament the lowest seed (of the four division winners), and rose to the occasion to win the tournament. After beating the Orange A champion 20-14, we had to go to overtime to beat the fraternity league winner, Fiji, 21-20.

This was huge. No MBA team has won the entire unversity tournament. And since we're the biggest college in the country, and thus have the biggest talent pool, we're truly collegiate national champions. Awesome. Just awesome.

So we'll celebrate. Rosh and Rapp will go to Logans. Kenny will go to the Pig. I'll go to Spill. And we'll all toast to this performance. And it will be glorious.

I just came across what I think is a hilarious conversation between a seemingly bitter member of the "Legal Eagles" and one of his classmates which talks about how mad he is that his team lost to us. As if they were invincible. Enjoy!

law student (2:44:49 PM): well hello
Legal Eagles player (2:45:21 PM): hello to you too
Legal Eagles player (2:45:34 PM): what did I do to deserve this special attention?!
law student (2:45:48 PM): are you or are you not a member of the legal eagles?
Legal Eagles player (2:46:04 PM): I am, what of it?
law student (2:46:08 PM): hahahaha
Legal Eagles player (2:46:16 PM): boooo!
Legal Eagles player (2:46:29 PM): so what's up?
Legal Eagles player (2:46:37 PM): are you going to give me a hard time?
law student (2:46:58 PM): pretty much
law student (2:47:03 PM): one of my ta's is on the team
Legal Eagles player (2:47:11 PM): the eagle's?
law student (2:47:23 PM): no, the team you suckers lost to
Legal Eagles player (2:47:53 PM): god I wanted to jump off a building
Legal Eagles player (2:48:37 PM): that was the worst game we ever played, you can tell him I say your welcome for gifting them the win
Legal Eagles player (2:48:53 PM): we dropped a sure interception that would have changed the game
law student (2:48:59 PM): yeah yeah. stop making excuses, brady quinn.
Legal Eagles player (2:49:05 PM): I mean I can make excuses all day long
Legal Eagles player (2:49:10 PM): I don't play QB
law student (2:49:14 PM): hahaha
Legal Eagles player (2:49:17 PM): but for real we beat ourselves
law student (2:49:29 PM): well, i'm glad my boys could be along for the ride
Legal Eagles player (2:49:44 PM): I know they were pumped as fuck
Legal Eagles player (2:49:55 PM): "the reign is over!"
Legal Eagles player (2:50:02 PM): got shouted about forty million times
Legal Eagles player (2:50:37 PM): the other TD they had got tipped twice
Legal Eagles player (2:50:46 PM): I mean really we totally fucked shit up
Legal Eagles player (2:51:20 PM): it was fucking embarrassing
law student (2:51:32 PM): deep breath
Legal Eagles player (2:51:36 PM): a team from a different division came specifically to scout us
Legal Eagles player (2:51:41 PM): and then we shit the bed
law student (2:52:05 PM): good thing it's only flag football. you're even more competitive than i am.
Legal Eagles player (2:54:29 PM): I would like to stop talking about this now
Legal Eagles player (2:54:35 PM): thanks so much for bringing it up
Legal Eagles player (2:55:24 PM): goddamnit
Legal Eagles player (2:55:35 PM): I really wish there was a forum for us to play them again
Legal Eagles player (2:55:46 PM): now I am all worked up about this shit again
Legal Eagles player (2:55:47 PM): fuck

This guy sounds alot like little Matt Leinart after USC lost to Texas in the 2006 national championship.

MBA '08: All-University champs baby!!!!

The Worst Class Ever

I am currently enrolled in what I firmly believe is the worst class ever conceived and administered by an academic institution. It is so bad that the students have taken to complaining (rightfully so) to the administration. I provide a sample of the complaints for your enjoyment below:

• Corona (current professor) is a sharp contrast to Brandl (former prof)
• Microphone malfunction has a big impact (this guys wears a mic, it never works. he blames our freaking cell phones!!)
• Taught in a childish way
• Attendance taking by the TA is not organized and consistent from class to class
• No one wants to make the idiot answer to the childish question
• The rules for the class are explained in a way that is very juvenile
• Students are disinterested and are demonstrating this through "checked-out" behavior
• "No man left behind" approach to teaching
• The class focus is on homework problems and how to solve the problem without discussionof theory or the "why"
• No connection from topic to topic
• Lack of depth of teaching
• Tone is boring/lack of energy

Yep, the worst class ever. All for $225 per hour. Way to go, managerial accounting!

Sweet & Sour...

Today was awesome and slightly crappy at the same time. Allow me to explain...

4:45pm: I get out of my Investment Fund class. I prepare to go to the IM fields to begin preparation for our IM championship game.
5:15: get to the fields, beging warmups
6:00: game begins
7:00: game ends. WE WON!!! We defeated the squad that hadn't lost the championship in 10+ years. Life is very, very good.
7:05: Chris officially floats to Cloud nine.
7:13: Chris's guest (incidentally the girl he goes out with yesterday who comes to watch the game) drops the F bomb. "I'm such a good friend for coming out tonight." Chris agrees, but is clearly taken by surprise. Thinks to himself, "oh shit, she said friend. Uh oh."
7:14: The crew leaves for 3rd base (this is a sports bar, people).
8:30: Chris goes to help finance challenge team.
10:00: C&A
2:00 (i.e. now): blog entry

Yep, there you have it. First and foremost, team MBA1 defeated the 10-time defending champion Legal Eagles 19-13 to win the university championship of graduate level football. As a team member, I was (am) super excited about this achievement. Proudly will I display (translation: wear) the 2008 IM champion t-shirt. I think I'll be celebrating this victory for at least the next 2 to 3 weeks. Goodness knows I will toast to it every chance I get (along with Texas' 2005 national championship of course).

Second, some general commentary (in this case, me complaining about something). I wish I could broadcast simultaneously on every medium available, but ladies, you all should recognize that the F bomb (aka the word "friend") is not easily received by guys who may have some sort of an interest in you. I couldn't be more clear (guys, back me up on this). You may as well take the dagger, puncture, twist, and release b/c it's just about the same effect. If you're putting 2 and 2 together, scroll up to my mini-timeline and do the math. Yea, exactly. This may be over before it gets off the ground. We shall see.

Finally, evidently, I have some haters in my midsts. Guess I'll be on the lookout for y'all as well.

Rockets won tonight, beat those Spurs by 8. Nice!

Ok that's it. I'm tired.

Faux Pas

As some of you know, I had to leave town last week for interviews at a company in Dallas. As is typical with the second/final round interview format, the company took us out for cocktails and dinner on Thursday evening, followed by lots of interviews on Friday. The event which I am about to detail for you took place at dinner this past Thursday night...

We were taken out to the Sambuca cafe in Uptown, where we had their entire patio area reserved for our visit. This was nice because the patio was spacious and there weren't very many people in our party (maybe 9 students and 6 or 7 current employees). After cocktail hour, we take our places at the 3 tables they have set up for us (pre-arranged namecards determined where we sat). I end up sitting in front of an associate in the group who happens to be a former Fund manager (don't worry if that doesn't mean anything to you). I'm on the Fund, so we have a conversation jumping off point (which is good because I wasn't wearing a wristband...). At some point during the conversation, we observe that we're both out of wine and we want some more. Unfortunately, the restaurant only gave us 1 waiter (for a party of 15), and he was nowhere to be found...

It is at that moment when my friend Caroline comes through the door to join our party. Caroline also goes to UT with me and was also interviewing. Caroline is also Asian (this will become important later). She took a later flight from Austin and thus arrived later than everyone else. Everyone knew this was going to happen...

So, upon seeing a fresh new face, the associate across from me assumes this girl is a waitress or hostess or someone in the servitude function. So he stops her and asks her if she can bring more wine for the table. Caroline, being very tactful about this, calmly says she's actually a student interviewing and not a waitress. The associate is totally embarrassed. He apologizes profusely. I am amused.

This story gets worse...

So we get through our meal and the associate (after having another 3 glasses or so) decides he has to go home. Before he leaves, however, he says he should apologize once more to Caroline. I'm thinking this is a good move. So I say farewell and he proceeds to the table where Caroline is sitting (we had 3 tables). In the meantime, I make smalltalk with some other students and associates. This continues for about 3 minutes when I look up expecting to see the associate apologizing again to Caroline. What I was was absolutely incredible (and not in a good way). He was apologizing to the wrong girl!!! To make matters worse, he was talking to the only other Asian girl there! I almost lost it. This other girl, who goes to Chicago GSB, had a total look of confusion on her face. Caroline can't believe it either. Nor could I. These two looked completely different (Caroline is fit and pretty cute, the other girl was, well, lets just say she should start each day with some situps and make a large equity investment in ProActiv.) They were wearing totally different outfits and looked nothing alike.

Caroline and I shared a pretty good laugh about this later at the hotel. Never in my life have I seen such a turn of events. Absolutely amazing.

Why does the Carpenter center smell like a locker room today? I think people have decided to shop showering to make more time for the finance challenge.

Football championship and C&A (maybe) tonight!

Wildcard

Before I write this post, I want to say how much I am flattered that some of you implore (beg) me to post more stuff on this blog (that goes for you, TJ and Tiger2L). It feels good that many of you are, at a minimum, mildly entertained by what I have to say on here. All I'll say is this: Most of you know me personally. For those that don't, I am a graduate student and sometimes don't have a lot of time to post stuff. I do it when I can, but just know that sometimes it is not possible.

Anyway, I finally have more, relevant, somewhat entertaining material to talk about tonight...

I found myself on this first Monday of November explaining to someone about how I went about getting background information on this particular individual (Chris was kind of on a date tonight. Yes, I know what you're thinking. Trust me, I can't believe it either. I guess I have at least a minimum level of charm lurking somewhere on this body...) when she also informs me she did some background research on yours truly. Thinking nothing of it, I said it was a good move on her part. So she says she's talked to some of my friends (which I expect) but then breaks out what can only be described as "the wildcard." Yep, you guessed it, she reads my blog. I'll be honest, I freaked out in my head for a few seconds. I'm thinking, "FUCK! Wow, I've been out with her for like an hour and she just Game, Set, Matched me. That's a wrap on any chance I had with her." Thankfully it wasn't (well, the jury's still out on that one). Anyway, I thought it was funny. I guess I don't get upstaged very often, so part of me was somewhat impressed.

She makes a valid point: I guess I don't consider how these blog posts some across to people who read them (e.g. the Hot Black Guy and Bisquick posts). Of course, this is the benefit of actually knowing me. Any good writer needs some spice to keep the people coming back, so perhaps that's why I give a little more, but who knows.

In other news, the last IM football game of my illustrious career is tomorrow. 6pm at the IM fields. Come support MBA1 as we challenge the Legal Eagles for the graduate league championship!

As usual, C&A tomorrow night.

Stay up y'all.


...and yes, she asked about the wristband :-)

Debt Shop

Got an offer today from a debt shop in DFW. More to come. Go me.

Grovin'

As many of you know, a large contingent of Longhorns (including yours truly) made the trip to Oxford, MS this past weekend for some SEC football, good food, southern hospitality, and a general good time.

The trip lived up to its billing. With the exception of what in my estimation was the worst game-deciding call in a football game since the 2003 Fiesta Bowl (Ohio State-Miami), the weekend rocked.

My friend Gris wrote a most excellent piece on the experience, which I echo, so you all should read it!

Girls in Pearls: My Dreams of the SEC

Well, faithful readers, it's almost here. In 12 hours and 8 minutes, Chris will depart for Oxford, MS, for a weekend that has been built up for me for nearly a year.

Yep, you guessed it, Chris is going to the Grove at Ole Miss to drink bourbon, eat cheese grits, drink more bourbon, and holler at women.

In what promises to be one of the more enjoyable weekends of my life, 13 fellow classmates (actually, they're friends) and I are attending a weekend of football, parties, and general elegance in the heart of the southeastern conference. The message has been delivered: Texas is coming down for the game, and people seem excited to host. To say that I am excited would be an understatement.

Never one to look out of place, I wound up having to purchase attire for this weekend (don't worry people, you'll find pics posted on my facebook account shortly after I get back). Items bought specifically for this weekend include: navy blue polo shirt, white polo shirt, khakis, steve maddens, top siders. Yes, I bought a fucking pair of top siders -- I can't believe it either. Of course, I will sport the wristbands (I am bring red, white, blue, and black bands) so as to avoid any misguided Carlton references (for the record, I am 5'8" which is a full 2 inches taller than him, in better shape, and obviously more charismatic). To complete the look, I borrowed the official ROCC (read: River Oaks Country Club) belt from my privileged friend B-lo.

Obviously, I can't wait to see the girls, but I also want to see Gris break out the old UVA fratboy looks. Methinks he'll find himself in his natural habitat. Haha.

The only downside here are those pesky little midterms that loom around the corner (translation, next week). Those should go ok, provided I get some studying done over the next two days.

I do apologize in advance for any drunk dials any of you may receive. Of course, if I'm drunk dialing then that means I'm not doing my job on these SEC women. So we'll see.

Texas by 35 over Iowa State in the Chizik Bowl. Missouri over Oklahoma.

Stay up y'all.

You Had Me At KFC

I wanna meet this chick. Hilarious.

Bisquick: Encouraging Bad Sex Since 1931

Why am I writing this at 4:00am on a week (school)night? I blame an influential undergraduate mentee, his hot (Syrian??) friend, a couple 2Ls, Soulja Boy, and a little establishment named Spill.

Yep, you'd think I didn't when I did. Chris hit up Spill on a random Wednesday night. As usual, it wasn't planned (why are my best times not planned?), but rather it just happened out of chance. I planned to go to bed around 9:30 last night, but after a short phone call inviting me to Cain & Abels (yes, I went there last night) and my natural inclination to hit up Spill, I found myself racing home to change (which I did in 1 minute flat), and speeding out to 6th and Brazos for some cheap drinks, good music, and feet shuffling.

And here's the kicker: I didn't have a wristband. Of course, it wasn't crowded, so there was minimal sweating. I was accompanied by an FAP mentee and two friends of his (both girls, both attractive mind you).

At some point, Tiger2L shows up with law school entourage in tow. Tiger2L is exctied to "crank dat" at the drop of a hat. Chris is excited too (Chris "cranked dat" at C&A earlier in the evening). Hot Syrian wants to learn how to crank it. I oblige. May include her in the official video filming next week.

A quick note on half Syrian, half white chicks: these girls can dance. Seriously. She was incredible. She's getting a call-back.

A heart healthy What-a-burger meal capped off the evening, but my enjoyment of the meal was somewhat diminished by 2Ls insistence of describing what can only be known as the "pancake" sex practices of her ex-boyfriend. People, I tried to make her stop talking. Seriously. But, I shouldn't be surprised at 2Ls reluctance to spare me the nasty, Aunt Jemima details. Lawyers like to hear themselves speak. :-)

More to come. Texas beats oklahoma: 2 days.

And yes, her nose is fucking huge. It extends like 2 inches from her face. That ain't natural. Ask Michael Jackson.

Random thoughts..

I'm feeling a bit sluggish (and kind of sick actually) because I'm still having flashbacks to the massacre that was the Texas-Kansas State game yesterday. I've never seen us play like that, and it hurts. We had better get our act together because if we lose to oklahoma next week, we're gonna fund ourselves unranked for the first time in about 8 or 9 years.

The other random thought is that I noticed that about 99.5% of the girls from Kansas State I saw out last night were totally busted. Thank goodness I live in a city with attractive women.

That's all I got. I'm already looking forward to next week in Dallas. More to come this week. If you read this before Tuesday night, be sure to come to Cain & Abels around 9 in the evening. $1 beers never get old :-)

Everywhere Like Such As

This isn't new news; certainly by now everyone has seen the video below...



As a US American, I must say that I've never seen the entire English language go down for an 8-count like that. It stood no chance. In opening her mouth, Ms. Upton threatened the foundation of our method of communication. At the end of that verbal massacre, all that was left were remnants of ebonics, creole, and whatever language people in her home state (South Carolina, where, incidentally, the age of consent for girls is 14!!) speak. She tried to go on for 3 seconds after the bell, but English was having none of it. It was badly beaten and didn't even want to get up. Way to go Lauren.

Backsweat

Yes, I have better shit to write about, but this hit me about 15 minutes ago when I was coming out of the UTC. I roll off the elevators and begin to make my way across the street over to the b-school. I get a frontal view of this smoking hot chick, so, as I usually do, I stare and point her out to my friend. So he stares. We like hot women (who doesnt?). Anyway, we pause to allow her to walk by and also so we can scope out her ass. But, like so many things in life, I was horrified at what I saw...yep, you guessed it, the chick was sweating the hell out of the back of her shirt. And no, she wasn't coming from the gym.

It was gross, and a total turnoff. Huge disappointment. But it made me think of the general problem of backsweat and how we deal with it. Unfortunately, because I go to a school in a very warm weather climate area, these are the issues we must deal with (I, for example, take nearly 3 showers a day during the first 3 weeks of school b/c it is so damn hot).

Yes, backsweat affects us all, but there are some people who probably should not be seen with it: (1) hot girls. Um, that's all I can think of. I guess everyone else can have it b/c no one really looks at you all the time on campus.

In other news, it seems that the Soulja Boy trend is growing. I taught a law student, and fellow Louisianian (yea, I know, I should not be fraternizing with future lawyers...rememeber the Magee curve...) the dance yesterday.

Finally, I am really excited about my plans for the next 4 weekends:

This weekend: Texas vs K-State, Mu Beta Alpha dirrrty throwdown Friday night

10/6: Texas - Oklahoma (Dallas, TX). After seeing some chick puke out the side of her car AND KEEP DRIVING last year, I can't wait to see the nastiness that is Texas-ou weekend

10/13: Ole Miss vs Alabama (Oxford, MS). My first SEC game in like 15 years. Insert joke about black guy voluntarily going to party in, of all places, Mississippi. Yea, I think it's funny too.

10/20: Notre Dame vs USC (South Bend, IN). Crossing stadium #1 I must see before I die off my list (others are Neyland and Tennessee and The Swamp at Florida). This game won't be good, but I'll be really happy to be in attendance.

Superman That Ho

I guess I figured out somewhere in Orlando that the currently popular dance these days is "Crank Dat", a dance popularized by rap scene newcomer, Soulja Boy. Most of you have figured out that I have extremely varied tastes in everything from music to food to women. This applies here. I think Crank Dat is a garbage song, straight up garbage. However, because there's a halfway cool dance to it, I am demanding that this song be played 3 times a night in the bars/clubs. But that's not why I am writing this blog entry...

I'm writing this entry because I personally find this dance step routine to be really, REALLY easy. I find it so easy in fact that I picked it up literally in 20 seconds two weekends ago while it was playing at a club I was at. However, I guess a shitload of people aren't capable of learning such things very quickly.

In support of my assertion, faithful readers, I point you to yet another youtube clip, aptly named "Soulja Boy - How to Crank That - INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO!" where an astonishing 7 million people have watched it in an attempt to pick this up. I find it hilarious that people are so into this. Click here for the link to the video in case you too wish to learn this. What I find particularly funny about this video is that it's being filmed in an empty swimming pool. Look closely. Maybe if he puts out another song, he can film his next dance step instructional video (by the way, who actually does that??? MJ never showed people how to moonwalk. JT isn't offering dance lessons...) in a normal setting (perhaps a real dance studio).

Anyway, thats my rant.

In other news, Semain thinks Texas should be number 12. I think I'm gonna kick his ass.

Orlando, Florida

So two weeks ago I went to the 407 (Orlando, FL) for the NBMBAA conference. It rocked. I've spoken to most of you about it, but quick highlights were:

• got a job offer
• met Shaq
• met Shaq a second time
• partied at Disney World (best party I've been to in the past 1 year)
• spent $100 at dinner on two appetizers (yes, I can't believe either)
• discovered Courvosier (i love that stuff)
• met a hot chick from Ross
• did i mention i met Shaq - twice

In other news, this past weekend was the dirtiest, nastiest, most beautiful, wonderful time I've had since...well, last weekend:

• 2nd place (out of 32 teams) in competitive flag football tournament
• met five different girls born in 1988 or later on 3 separate occasions (this in itself are funny stories, totally random)
• watched texas destroy rice (finally, we covered a spread)
• and, of course, i got my gigantic-ass TV. 60 inches of high definition tv watching goodness. i don't want to leave my couch. but i will b/c i'm a sociable dude

Lastly, there is a ton of shit that I will be writing about over the next couple of weeks, so check back often!

Longhorns and Bruins really CAN get along!

I gotta say, this was probably my most favorite guest-hosting experience ever. Not to knock any of you other out of town readers, but I really, really enjoyed this one.

On Thursday, my friend MD and her friend BB came in from LA to visit me in ATX. I met MD from an event at UT that took place last year.

They're both UCLA, I'm Texas. They're Pac-10, I'm Big XII. They're "hella cool dude" and I'm a "nice southerner, y'all". But despite these random differences, I was tasked to show them a good time. Thankfully, Austin was the perfect setting.

Between the Hula Hut, UT and UT Football (again girls, I wish we had played better), a taste of the 6th and 4th street bar scene, some good Austin food (not to mention free Wendy's frosty's AND home cooked brunch on Saturday, which I'm still having little taste bud orgasms over), and a couple random jokes about Indian IT consulting firms and "the Iraq", I had a blast with these two. In what may be the biggest understatement of the year, I can't wait to go out to LA to visit. Hopefully I can get out there within the next few months (MD starts a prominent California-based business school program in a month, so scheduling with have to wait until then).

I wish they could have stayed longer. Driving back home from the airport was kind of depressing b/c I had such a good time and missed them already. Seriously, you two have an open invitation, (correction, a wide-open invitation) to come down whenever you want, and I really mean that.

In other news, there's more football on today, and I have a ton of hw to do, so I'll write more later.

The Attraction Zone

A funny picture I found the other day...


When you add alcohol, the picture turns to...

Platonic rules...

These are borrowed (and re-borrowed) from Debauchery Per Se and http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/guidelines_for_platonic_friendship. Thanks to whomever sent over the proper link. Enjoy.

If you aren’t sure that your situation warrants these guidelines then determine if three factors apply (quite possibly the worst situation EVER for a guy):

• you’re smitten with her
• she thinks you are a nice guy
• she refuses to have sex with you

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can.t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can't let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it's the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It's emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I'll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I'm going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don't even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don't slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I'm a beautifully complex being.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that's a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldn't your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren't we dating again?

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that's just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that's what friends do.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I'm only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.

A fun weekend

This weekend one of the fellow interns had some friends in town, so I hung out with three married couples all weekend. Truthfully, it was lots more fun than I anticipated. I find the bickering that married couples do to be really, really funny because it's always about petty stuff, like girls shopping too much or guys buying "stupid electronics."

Thankfully, they liked to gamble, so last night we went out to the Ameristar casino. After an initial downturn on my luck, I rebounded to finish ahead 32.5% (upward revision from initial estimate of 20%).

After a sushi lunch at the trendiest sushi place in KC, Kona Grill (I wish I was being sarcastic, I really do), I rolled around the plaza looking at electronics and tight jeans. After visiting the sony store, I have concluded I'm going to buy a huge-ass 60-70" widescreen plasma with the signing bonus I receive next year. That, in addition to finishing two pitches, was by big accomplishment this weekend.

In other news, I found out my friend Kansas is trekking it to Dallas this weekend to see the family, so 2 crazy nights in Austin will just be 1. I suppose I should go easy on my liver on Friday night so Saturday I can keep up with her (yea right, as if I'm the one who has to worry about that haha). Regardless, Austin should be a pretty good time. Definitely can't wait. Hope the weather holds up.

The Model Wedding

I flew to Houston this weekend to attend my friend Lesley and his fiance Kate's wedding. In a nutshell, it was incredible. Everything was absolutely amazing, from the surprise gift bag I got upon checking in to the wedding hotel, to the service, to the sports-themed reception. Simply amazing. As it happened, the wedding was in Houston and I was out of town this summer, but the truth is that I would have come in from anywhere, like my friend Reza, who flew in from Dubai (!!), to attend this ceremony.

I'll fill in more background later, but the gist is that I felt really proud to be a part of their special day. It was a honor to be there, a ton of fun, and definitely a memory-maker. Congratulations Lesley & Kate!!!!

"Dude, I'll Do Security" -Kansas

I had the most ridiculous conversation with my friend's girlfriend tonight at a bar here in KC. So here's the background: my friend (fellow intern) has a long distance girlfriend who lives in Indianapolis. She flew into KC tonight for the weekend, so I went with another fellow intern and his wife to a bar to meet her. She asks what I do, and I tell her where I work. Then she asks where I'm from...the conversation goes something like this:

Colleen: Where are you from?
Me: Houston, but I live in Austin now because I go to school there
C: Cool! I've been to Texas before, it's a lot of fun
M: Awesome, which city did you visit?
C: Umm, I don't remember...
M: Maybe it's been a long time since you were there
C: No, it was like 3 years ago, but I can't seem to remember the name...
M: ...
C: Oh! Wait, what city did JFK get killed in?
M: you mean Dallas? (incidentally like the 8th largest city in the fucking country!!--I did't say this part)
C: Yes! That's it, I was in Dallas. It was incredible
M: Yea, Dallas is a pretty good time...

Now, maybe this isn't interesting to some of you, but I was floored. I don't know how you forget that you visited freaking Dallas. It's not like you trekked it down to some small Texas town. That's like me telling someone that I went to California in 2004, can't remember the name of the city, but then saying "oh yea, I can't remember the name of the city, but a long time ago Rodney King got beat up there...oh yea, Los Angeles."

I'm going to Houston in a few hours for my friend's wedding. Should be a pretty good time. I can't wait!

F*ck David Beckham

That's it.