Platonic rules...

These are borrowed (and re-borrowed) from Debauchery Per Se and http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/guidelines_for_platonic_friendship. Thanks to whomever sent over the proper link. Enjoy.

If you aren’t sure that your situation warrants these guidelines then determine if three factors apply (quite possibly the worst situation EVER for a guy):

• you’re smitten with her
• she thinks you are a nice guy
• she refuses to have sex with you

1. No hugging for greetings or salutations. Hugging is only allowed for personal tragedies or blessed events when the emotional significance of the situation blocks out the knowledge that your boobies are pressing against me. We have hands; lets shake them.

2. No sleepovers. I think of all women who sleep in bed with me as potential sex partners. I spend all my free time trying to coax women in, so if you get in there, I can.t help but think you want some. If you or I need a place to crash sometime, then we should employ a couch. The breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex.

3. No seat sharing. When girls sit on the arm of my chair or in my lap or next to me in a one-person seat, it makes me think that she wants some sexing. A possible exception is fitting an extra person in a car that is filled to capacity. I can't let my passion hurt the quest to maximize a designated driver, but be warned; it might not be the seat belt poking you.

4. No flirting. So if you laugh at a joke of mine, it better be a funny joke.

5. No judgment making on any girl that I see. Good or bad, it's the guy friends' job to belittle and pick apart girlfriends, if a woman does this, it means she wants the guy for herself. So you think she is trashy and dumb? Well, you could have dated me but you just wanted to be friends.

6. No judgment making on how I treat any girl I might date, be it for six months, or six hours. You have thrown your log onto the fire of chauvinism in my heart, so you are partially to blame if an innocent girl gets burned.

7. No sparing of my feelings. It's emasculating. Don't worry, you already broke my heart, go ahead and heap more crap on me. I'll turn all embarrassment and pain into bitterness and anger, and then occasionally let it all out in some meat headed act.

8. No setting me up on pity dates. If you truly know of a woman who would be very happy with me and I with her, then we will talk.

9. No being attracted to me. Impossible, I know, but you seem to have found a way, so stick with that. I'm going to be as attractive as possible in pursuit of other women, so if you are going to be seeing me in a bathing suit, you might want to make sure you are on the pill as the breaking of this rule is punishable by instant sex. In fact, don't even tell me I look good as that will torment me for days.

10. No confiding in me about boys. I am not your girl friend; I am your reluctant man friend who officially hates all men that you date now or in the future. Asking for hypothetical guy advice is okay; just don't slam me with details about particular guys you are sleeping with. If this rule seems contrary to rule 7, just remember that I'm a beautifully complex being.

11. No asking for man favors such as furniture moving, yard work, or car trouble help. I don't like to waste displays of extreme masculinity on women who have decided not to sleep with me. In a pinch you can bribe me to do man chores with beer. Please hand me the case as a gift versus doling them out one at a time from your fridge. That keeps it strictly business.

12. Try to avoid incidental contact. I can't outlaw this since there are times when the brush of a leg or a sleeve is purely accidental, but try to be careful. You can take steps to not put your arm in mine while walking or lay against me on a couch or other things like that. Those things would lead me to think you want me to sex you.

13. No asking for massages or neck rubs, that's a lot of foreplay to waste on someone who doesn't want the main event. Besides, shouldn't your boyfriend give you massages? Why aren't we dating again?

14. No dating any guy who treats you bad or neglects you in any way, that's just a slap in my face. I fucking adore you.

15. No judgments on any of my behavior. It would lead me to think you care a little too much about my well being. So I don't want to hear any, "Stop smoking", or "Don't drink so much," or "Don't use women." Of course if I am truly being an asshole in some situation, feel free to clue me in, that's what friends do.

16. You have to let me know immediately if you want to be more than friends. I'm only doing this to respect your wishes. If you ever want more, rest assured that I do too. At any moment we can tear these guidelines up and spend 24 hours doing every imaginable sexy act.

A fun weekend

This weekend one of the fellow interns had some friends in town, so I hung out with three married couples all weekend. Truthfully, it was lots more fun than I anticipated. I find the bickering that married couples do to be really, really funny because it's always about petty stuff, like girls shopping too much or guys buying "stupid electronics."

Thankfully, they liked to gamble, so last night we went out to the Ameristar casino. After an initial downturn on my luck, I rebounded to finish ahead 32.5% (upward revision from initial estimate of 20%).

After a sushi lunch at the trendiest sushi place in KC, Kona Grill (I wish I was being sarcastic, I really do), I rolled around the plaza looking at electronics and tight jeans. After visiting the sony store, I have concluded I'm going to buy a huge-ass 60-70" widescreen plasma with the signing bonus I receive next year. That, in addition to finishing two pitches, was by big accomplishment this weekend.

In other news, I found out my friend Kansas is trekking it to Dallas this weekend to see the family, so 2 crazy nights in Austin will just be 1. I suppose I should go easy on my liver on Friday night so Saturday I can keep up with her (yea right, as if I'm the one who has to worry about that haha). Regardless, Austin should be a pretty good time. Definitely can't wait. Hope the weather holds up.

The Model Wedding

I flew to Houston this weekend to attend my friend Lesley and his fiance Kate's wedding. In a nutshell, it was incredible. Everything was absolutely amazing, from the surprise gift bag I got upon checking in to the wedding hotel, to the service, to the sports-themed reception. Simply amazing. As it happened, the wedding was in Houston and I was out of town this summer, but the truth is that I would have come in from anywhere, like my friend Reza, who flew in from Dubai (!!), to attend this ceremony.

I'll fill in more background later, but the gist is that I felt really proud to be a part of their special day. It was a honor to be there, a ton of fun, and definitely a memory-maker. Congratulations Lesley & Kate!!!!

"Dude, I'll Do Security" -Kansas

I had the most ridiculous conversation with my friend's girlfriend tonight at a bar here in KC. So here's the background: my friend (fellow intern) has a long distance girlfriend who lives in Indianapolis. She flew into KC tonight for the weekend, so I went with another fellow intern and his wife to a bar to meet her. She asks what I do, and I tell her where I work. Then she asks where I'm from...the conversation goes something like this:

Colleen: Where are you from?
Me: Houston, but I live in Austin now because I go to school there
C: Cool! I've been to Texas before, it's a lot of fun
M: Awesome, which city did you visit?
C: Umm, I don't remember...
M: Maybe it's been a long time since you were there
C: No, it was like 3 years ago, but I can't seem to remember the name...
M: ...
C: Oh! Wait, what city did JFK get killed in?
M: you mean Dallas? (incidentally like the 8th largest city in the fucking country!!--I did't say this part)
C: Yes! That's it, I was in Dallas. It was incredible
M: Yea, Dallas is a pretty good time...

Now, maybe this isn't interesting to some of you, but I was floored. I don't know how you forget that you visited freaking Dallas. It's not like you trekked it down to some small Texas town. That's like me telling someone that I went to California in 2004, can't remember the name of the city, but then saying "oh yea, I can't remember the name of the city, but a long time ago Rodney King got beat up there...oh yea, Los Angeles."

I'm going to Houston in a few hours for my friend's wedding. Should be a pretty good time. I can't wait!

F*ck David Beckham

That's it.

Meltdown of the Year

95% of you will not think this video is funny. The other 5% will watch it over and over (at least 3 times). Shannon Sharpe is hilarious, and the NFL Today is the best NFL pregame show on the air right now. Enjoy! On another note, I just remembered that BOTH the national championship game of college football and the super bowl had the opening kickoff returned for a touchdown. Pretty cool, huh? Of course, there was an obvious holding penalty that should have been called on Ohio State that would have negated the touchdown. Oh well, they got their asses kicked anyway. I'm happy.

7.7.07

Since this day comes around once every 100 years, I figured I'd better prove I was alive by forever implanting my thoughts in the world wide web by writing a blog. Happy Saturday, bitches.

I wasn't around in 1907 and I probably won't be around in 2107 (although it's not completely outside the realm of possibility - I would be 125 going on 126). But I am around in 2007, so I have been able to enjoy this once-a-century day. Yep, its the supposedly-luckiest day of the year. 7-7-07. Triple 7s, the luckiest combination there is. It blows up the slot machine, gives you 21 in blackjack, and brings good luck to all.

So, in typical fashion, everyone is going to the casino today to put this theory to the test. It all started last night when I trekked it over to AmeriStar at midnight for a little late night gaming. I've never seen a non-Vegas casino so overrun with people. It was ridiculous. Fortunately, all the rent-gamblers were gravitating to the extreme low-limit tables, so I had relatively limited company at the medium ($15) tables. $15 a hand is hardly something to scoff at, but I find that higher limits act as a filter of sorts to dissuade people who don't know how to play from sitting next to you. I generally hate playing with other people, so this helps a bit. In a perfect world, I would have my own table at the casino, with my own private dealer. Yes, I'm kind of high maintenance like that. Actually I'm high maintenance in pretty much all aspects of my life, but I do a very good job of not showing it.

My friend Kansas (who lives in Texas, not to be confused with Jayhawk, although she is also older than I), has asked to be quoted in this blog. So, you readers from random places like Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and South Africa (yes, I track everyone who accesses this page, location and all) can know what some of my other friends are like. Anyway, Kansas made an astute observation about a friend having girl problems when she eloquently observed that, "[my friend] is pussy-whipped but hasn't gotten the pussy yet." Yes, BLove, $600 tix to a concert and no ass is something most of us will not stand for.

No update with Jayhawk. Still need to tag up some parts of my condo, and then find a church in the plaza and tag it there (save it, I already know I'm a terrible person). 7 weeks left to do it. Wish me luck.

For those of you who care, I got to see three fellow classmates in KC today! I'm meeting the other two in half an hour in the plaza. I can't wait! I've always found it funny that people can travel thousands of miles to a distant place and long for familiar faces. Such is my case, and I suspect is also the case for many others.

Finally, I offer three truths for everyone to remember:

• water will always be wet
• the sky will always be blue
• the Astros will never get a man home from 3rd with less than two outs

Stay up y'all.

Chris Does America

On this, the 231st anniversary of our nation's birth (translation: beat that British ass), I feel it necessary to comment on my most recent almost-purely-American experiences..

Nothing seems like a more appropriate way to celebrate America than a GODDAMNED TELEVISED EATING CONTEST. Yes, today the annual Coney Island hotdog eating contest is being televised (by ESPN). Why?!? Who the fuck is watching this (besides me b/c, let's face it, it's comewhat interesting)? And does anyone find it funny that a Japanese dude always wins this thing? America has the most gluttonous eaters on the planet. We should win this competition, particularly because Kobayashi is injured this year (arthritic jaw). Incidentally, someome just likened Kobayashi's comeback efforts today to Willis Reed's (!!) comeback during the '75 NBA finals. And how low on the media totem pole do you have to be to draw the hotdog eating contest assignment? So instead of spending the 4th with your family (or mistress - hey, I'm just being realistic), you end up having to interview people about cliche sports shit: passion for the "sport", mental toughness, competitive advantage - as it relates to eating a frank.

Second, to kick off my 4th, last night I went to a casino...the trashiest casino I've ever been..and I loved it..

I'll explain...

Ordinarily (i.e. at a casino where fewer than 60% of the patrons are gambling their rent money, wearing jorts or t-shirts and caps with references to NASCAR, or to the states of Missouri or Arkansas), free drinks are served, people clip their toenails, wear makeup, talk normally. Such was not the case at the Harrah's off I-210 last night.

Two things clued me in that this might not be the classiest casino. First, the presence of a bar at the entrance to the casino. Yes, you were encouraged to purchase your $3.00 beer before you sat at the table. Next, and this floored me - the casino was paging dealers and such over a very audible PA system. I've never heard a PA in a casino before, and it felt more like I was at Home Depot than anywhere. Truly filthy.

Of course, I went to this casino by myself. The roomate isn't much of a gambler and the other two interns were doing stuff with their wives. As is also the case, I get hit on by nasty ass bitches. In this case, a woman in her mid 40s. A smoker (no, she really smoked cigarettes, it was disgusting), dirty bleach blonde hair, and kinda chubby. She didn't really know how to play blackjack, so I helped her out, not because I'm nice, but because I didn't want her play to fuck up my cards. As is also the case when I give blackjack advice, she starts winning. I continue winning. Then she gets friendly and congratulates me by nudging me on my arm after I win a hand. Didn't mind it at first because I think it's collegial. I keep winning (she does too) and she starts calling me "Lucky Guy" and, instead of the little arm nudges, she elects to begin softly squeezing me on my arm after a victorious hand. This was a little weird. Of course, since I'm a guy, I had a devil/angel moment. The devil said, "Chris, it's yours if you want it." (It had come up in coversation that she had a "very nice" room at the casino). The angel said, "Chris, this bitch is nasty. What the fuck are you thinking? You have a good thing going with Jayhawk. Chill out, brother."

So, as the story ends, I let it go, played it off, had a good time, then came home. I am currently watching baseball (very American of course) and reading the college football preview magazines I bought yesterday. Later, I will eat barbeque and watch some fireworks later tonight. Then it's back to work!