The Best / Worst E-mail Ever

Since I've begun writing on this again (and tracking everyone who looks at this), I've noticed the predictable increase in readership, which is good. Although I try to identify everyone who reads this (as I know most of you), there are probably a number of people who I don't know that also read it. I say this because what follows should not be construed as an indication of my personality. In fact, it is probably the opposite of who I am or what I am about.

Anyway, a long time ago I had this friend, let's call her ABC, who I met in 2005 and became friends with. I was 24 and still pretty immature. Anyway, I thought she was a little weird (conceited, etc) and off-putting, but, in typical guy fashion, put up with it b/c of her looks (I finally learned through this person never to do that again). So we were friends for a while, my growing ever more tired of her personality, and I finally couldn't take it anymore. So, I went to unchartered territory (for me, at least) and ended the friendship. But, since I've never believed in screaming matches or just a total, random cut off of communication, I wrote ABC an e-mail. At 3:05am, after a night of drinking. This is what I wrote...


From: Christopher
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2007 3:05 AM
To: ABC
Subject: Regrettably...

ABC, regrettably, it has come to my writing this e-mail. And I write it (versus speaking it) because I believe you should look at this 2 or 3 times before deleting it. I think you’ll learn a lot and truly acknowledge my position by doing that. I don’t expect you to agree with everything in this message, and I honestly don’t care if you do. Although I find it very odd that you have the audacity and gaul to literally ask “what did I do this time?” after what, in my estimation, was an extremely selfish and divisive performance (which my other friends were subjected to, mind you) Monday evening, somehow I am not surprised, as this has become your modus operandi of late and I have tired of it.

By now you’ve guessed why I am writing this. I probably (lord knows I’ve tried) clued you in a few weeks ago at the Tech game, but I have determined that our ideals and approaches to friendship, class, and the general way we treat others are not congruent. In fact, they are divergent (and, as scary as this may seem, maybe even polar opposites). It is for that reason that I can no longer be friends (whatever that word means to you) with you or a close associate.

Before I delve deeper, I will say that I believe that somewhere deep down, you have the capacity to be a great individual. Fundamentally, I believe you would like to be a good person, free from “drama” and otherwise petty conflicts that complicate life, mar friendships, and generally cause unnecessary stress in life.

What follows is a scathing critique of you and some of your recent actions. This is not meant to be an indictment against your personal character, but rather an illustration of how our principles and views differ.

Last night was the last straw. I thought your fake “family emergency” (which turned out to be a boldfaced lie) was the last one, but somehow I generated a bit of compassion and gave you another shot. And you screwed it up. Again. You put me in an extremely unfair position by forcing me to “choose” between yourself and a good friend of mine. Under the presumed consequence of you leaving the bar (which, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have cared about), you purposefully and maliciously manipulated me into completely ignoring a good friend of mine. That is unfair to me both to me and also to my friend. You should never use a 3rd person as a pawn in your own little scheme. That is disrespectful and downright mean. The fact that I was your “date” to that party was irrelevant. I talked to many other females, yet you only got mad when I talked to a specific one. That’s unfair, childish, and unnecessary. ABC, I know your game. You should know that I am currently 35 times smarter than you will ever be (and I have all the academically-related statistics to prove it), and you shouldn’t think I’m being fooled or buying into your bs. So, you have made me “choose” between yourself and the other girl, and I choose her. I hope that’s clear.

I generally think you’re a little crazy. Not medically crazy, but socially just a little off. I find it very strange that you think one person (said female) is out to get you. That in itself is totally narcissistic and a little selfish. And I have seen this enacted over and over again. Pretty much since October 2005 when I first met you, there have been actions you have taken that have given me small clues into what you’re about. This thought was confirmed over Halloween weekend when you flipped out on the girl that was supposedly your best friend over something as petty as an innocent kiss from a boy.

I’ve already said too much, so I will not continue this monologue. I could go into all the details about how we’re on different maturity levels, or how I think you’re probably super insecure and how that impacts the decisions you make or the choice of people you associate with, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Again, you aren’t expected to agree with everything, but rather be able to comprehend (not empathize, just comprehend) my position. I wish you the best of luck at your new job in Austin, a safe move to this wonderful city, and a good holiday season.

Do not reply to this e-mail. I seriously am not interested in your retort.


Regards,
Chris

Most of you probably think this is pretty mean, and I probably can't blame you given you don't know the backstory. The truth is it took a lot for me to do something like this. Sometimes I think I am too forgiving and never thought I'd put something like this together, but in the end it probably worked out for the best. The Cowboy from Hell, Big EZ, and a few others could probably tell you more about those episodes (at the football game, etc, which were really funny in a strange way), and I'm happy to give the backstory to those curious. As bad as this may seem, I think this is some of my better pieces of writing (you all know I like to write). Hope you guys have enjoyed reading this.

I want a bomb pop.