Realization

When I was a kid, I read just about the entire Berenstain Bears collection of books that my parents bought for me. Though they were typical children's books, each one conveyed an important life lesson through its stories. One particular book was subtitled "It's Never Too Late To Correct A Mistake." And throughout some recent events of my own creation, I am reminded of this important maxim.

Many of you have never met my friend Laura. Laura lives here in Austin, and I met her shortly after the beginning of school this past fall. I knew I liked her instantly, but never really got to know her very well because I had just started school and was also trying to meet new friends at school. On occasion, we would hang out, but not very often. At the time, she was dating someone and so I never saw her much.

Recently (within the past 2 months or so) we've started to hang out more, on a much more regular basis, and I've enjoyed it. But, like I knew at the beginning, I knew I liked her, not just as mere casual friends but I knew I wanted to pursue something deeper if it was there. In restrospect I wish I didn't feel that way but you can't really help how you feel. Sometimes I wish I didn't like the color blue so much, but I can't just change. Anyway, I made it pretty clear that I was interested. This was maybe 6 weeks ago. So last night we go to dinner and its going very well when we start to get back on the subject of dating. I knew what she was going to say (just got out of a relationship, not ready for another, want to be single for a while, blah blah blah) so I wasn't surprised to hear it. What did surprise me was my internal reaction to it all...

...So later on we're at a bar with some of her friends and all I'm thinking is I'm not really comfortable with this situation. So I leave. Later on, somehow, I decide that I can't really just be regular friends with a girl I actually like (which still makes a bit of sense to me). So I tell her. She flips out, we argue (over text messages nonetheless) for 4 hours...

...I start to think about what I just said and I realize that I had a moment like Albert Brenneman in the movie Hitch (where he impulsively quits his job during a meeting with Allegra Cole). I overreacted and didn't fully think about the consequences of my actions. I fucked this up badly, and I am trying to undo it. Ultimately, I have realized that you can't cut people out of your life because they don't perfectly fit what you're going after. Laura is a great girl, and I wish I knew a thousand more like her because I (and everyone else) need those type of people. So yes, I am doing the unthinkable of writing her a letter (handwritten, not e-mail), sending flowers, and doing what I can to make this right. Quite simply, she's too good of a friend and way too important to me to say "that's a wrap" on the friendship, and I'm not going to give this up.

This is not an open apology to her, she doesn't even know I have a blog. I just felt like I had to wite this. Today is not a good day. Major sadness.